My Dear Mal

I read your profile, and I wondered if you aren't really Greg Gutfeld? But please don't come out here if you are. I want something to be just between us.

I wondered because as I was reading, Greg was doing his Gregalogue, and the two were virtually indistinguishable if not in content then in tone and style… though he's not Catholic and if he poisoned his cat, it wouldn't be accidental.

Anyway, as I read, I found myself convulsed with laughter (only the second time in my life I was laughing while vomiting), but I was also sad, and not just because I don't have a connection to the Holocaust like you do. No, it was because I've misled these good people by being straighter than I'd realized and straighter than I'd ever thought I could be.

I mentioned Hen in an earlier comment to you and the private correspondence I had with him. He had said that he enjoys having discussions with people who think differently, and I responded by telling him that I don't want be discussing things with anybody. Then I elaborated along the lines you detailed in your profile, but I was decidedly less funny.

And that's the problem. I'd lost sight of the goal – I mean I knew inside, for example, that I wasn't interested in anything the warmalarmists had to say, but I've been far too civil to them, oftentimes even treating them as if they were people. That ends today or yesterday depending on the time you read this and whether or not it's Friday. And under just the right circumstances, it could even be tomorrow, as my motivation has been less and less of late. The doctor tells me it's all about declining testosterone levels, but he's not motivated to test for it, which leads me to believe he knows what he's talking about..

Luckily the new year is upon us so I have a perfect opportunity to change, and I have you to thank for re-liberating me. You, a German… and a punk… who'd have thought.

But my son. while I know it's poetic license, you told a fib when you said we instantly disliked each other. It wouldn't be a white lie if you didn't know it, but I have no doubt you did know that I immediately saw you as someone special, and not in the "special ed" sense, but in the sense that you were someone I could really relate to because the things you were saying were things no one else could possibly understand, and as you also know better than I do myself, people frequently accuse me of that.

And lastly, you gave the impression that you had stolen into America (for one brief, shining moment yesterday I had feared you were in Pakistan when I heard that the guy shot Bhutto and then blew himself up), and if that is the case, I will go anywhere within a ten mile radius of the intersection of I-10 and Chandler Blvd. to meet you, twelve if you'll buy the drinks?

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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6 Responses to My Dear Mal

  1. malaventura says:

    I admit that "we instantly disliked each other"-part was way over the top, or, as we Europeans put it to ennoy Americans: it was outré.As for the testosterone, I was hoping for that excuse too. I insisted to do the test, so I could show the results as an "officially depressed"-license to anybody who called me a lazy bum. But my doctor destroyed my idle hopes, the test results were excellent, and I am only a lazy bum.Thank God for German public health care, I didn't have to pay for the test, which was pretty expensive, something around the sum I spent for my wife on our tenth wedding anniversary, appr. 25 EUR and some flowers, which an indecent penny pincher stole from the local cemetary.Considering the German income tax, probably the doctor himself paid for the test. Communism, you can get used to it, you know.Shooting Buttho – yes. Blowing myself up – no. Going to Pakistan – how dare you think so low of me?By the way, someone is looking for a new job:She was shot in the neck and chest by the attacker, who then blew himself up, said Rehman Malik, Bhutto's security adviser.These security advisor guys always seem to get everything: the money, the girl, and away with it.

  2. TedWest says:

    Mal, we kid each other, but the truth is, there are no other strangers I would die for, other than myself.
    Re: testosterone, the doctor characterized mine as "trace," so I don't know if that's good or bad, I just know that I don't care.
    Btw, I forgot to mention that I had seen that non-raping Jewish solders story before you brought it to my attention, but it lacked your perspective. Although it did carry with it the perspective of The Great James Taranto, whose daily newsletter I highly recommend.
    And yes, I felt you'd regard my Pakistan reference as insulting, I just wanted to demonstrate that I'm not afraid to be politically incorrect even with someone I love.

  3. TedWest says:

    Here, take a look, if you're not Greg, you should sue him for copyright and trademark infringement.

  4. malaventura says:

    I looked him up myself, nice guy, his show is a little lame though.

  5. TedWest says:

    The show itself can be strangely engrossing, though Gutfeld's sidekicks are liberals, and Greg himself is a former magazine editor who came to us via Berkeley.
    So here's what I find interesting –
    You feel Greg leans liberal, but his views are very conservative.
    The show attracts some interesting guests – Ann Coulter has been on it, though they appeared not to be too enamored of her presence, and she, herself, didn't show any range.
    It's the funniest of the shows who attempt to meld politics and humor.
    Greg doesn't permit harsh "debate." He doesn't scold anyone (he did once), he merely changes the subject or goes to another person. So people can say something provocative, but the line generally stands and allows the viewer to ponder it for better or worse.
    I watch for the Gregalogue and the viewer mail, but his mother is great (quite conservative), and the hot babes from Fox are astounding. You get to see them in a whole new light, and Laurie Dhue is a BIG woman who's not afraid to get down – probably in every sense of the word.

  6. malaventura says:

    the hot babes from Fox are astoundingTruer words were never spoke!

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