What An Amazing Arizona Spring! (Waaas!)

The following is a blatant attempt to lure you to Arizona and it has nothing to do with the illegals who are reportedly now fleeing the State. No, it’s all about the Benjamins – the one’s I may be missing because of property values having plummeted due to (apparently) legals fleeing the State!

It’s true that normally we wouldn’t want you here, and it remains true that in my heart, I sure don’t, but money talks and BS walks so for you, don’t walk, run, ride, or fly here at your earliest convenience and buy from the amazing selection of cheap properties in almost new condition since virtually all Arizona housing has been built after 1977.

And yes, the year is significant. When Elvis died, many people felt they had nothing left to live for and wanted to spend the remainder of their days where the UV Factor, on good days, was hazardous. Either that or they heard that Elvis had left the building and was alive and well in Fountain Hills, just a stone’s throw from Scottsdale and containing a real fountain as opposed to the one near me that appears for all intents in purposes to be a leak in the lake.

Anyway, even Mother Nature is cooperating. Normally our Spring is your Summer, at least temperature-wise, but in fact, the ideal temperature here from my own personal experience is 92. And for our Canadian friends whom we’re now especially welcoming here since your money is now more valuable, that’s not Celsius as has been rumored… or is that “rumoured,” I forget because you’re half British and half-assed!

The point is this… we are having the greatest Spring EVER. It hasn’t hit 110 once yet! In fact, I didn’t turn on my air conditioning until June 5th… oh all right, that’s 5 June for you backward half-asses (whom I love). And the air is not on today and I won’t have to turn it on again until at least Tuesday thanks to Global Cooling! And we harvested our first tomatoes in February because I was finally, after fifteen years, able to get the wife to plant them in October which IS planting season in the desert.

Yes you do have to protect the tender seedlings from the three or four frosts we get each year,but last “winter” was so nice that we never turned the heat on once! But OK, yes, we did use frost protection in bed several times.

So now we’re ten days from the longest day of the year and the beginning of your summer, and tomorrow’s high is predicted to be 90. Now remember, I said the ideal temperature here is 92, so I sure hope we can avoid dragging the blankets back out. It all has to do with the humidity. I venture to say that people in, say, Oklahoma City could run their dehumidifiers all day long and not get down to the humidity levels we’ve been seeing this year – like 8% (your individual humidity may vary depending on the number of showers you take)

What all this means is that our tomatoes are still producing. Normally the plants are mostly dead by the middle of June, but not this year. And none of the tomatoes have that funny late-season pollen smell that renders them still edible but nauseating – which is why we usually donate so many June tomatoes to the neighbors.

And you too can have it all at bargain prices now – a nice house, tomatoes, low humidity, Summer in Spring, Spring in Winter, and no illegal aliens to sap your tax dollars and fill Sheriff Joe’s tents if our new immigration law is upheld. Even the intense heat of summer can be uplifting and build character – because after experiencing it, you sure won’t want to find out what Hell is like.

So why wait? Your Summer with its humidity is going to be awful this year, or so I’ve been told, and you can’t really go to California anymore, so it’s Arizona Baby! Take off your rainbow shades and put on a lot of sun-block… you’ll be glad you did!

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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2 Responses to What An Amazing Arizona Spring! (Waaas!)

  1. I will visit Arizona and spend money. ( a favorite pasttime of mine), when I get over being mad at the Los Suns Owners. Someday Arizonia will be the new oceanfront, so it would be smart to buy now while everything is cheap.

  2. Waterbaby says:

    We here in the Pacific Northwest are having NO spring or summer! So far it's been dreary, cold, wet November-like "spring" all the way, with the exception of maybe three days of sun in a month! I wouldn't mind living in Arizona were it not for the heat. Lived in the desert, am NOT a desert hot-weather person! Love Brewer though!!!!

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