What Was The State Of Your Union?

It was quite a week for the President last week. The Bobo Express got derailed in Massachusetts seven days earlier and that threatened to put a damper on Obama's planned exercise in self-indulgence, previously known as the State of the Union Address.

More on that momentarily, but first some other news and background.

Criticism finally overwhelmed BowWow's bright idea for a show trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed in Manhattan, and as Allison Rosen put it, the "Terrorist Olympics" were put on the shelf next to Obamacare. Dear Leader also put the kibosh on future moon trips, thus assuring that criticism of his policies would continue uninterrupted. So one could say he got caught between the moon and New York City?!?

Meanwhile, I'd gotten a new computer for Christmas which came with a TV tuner, the one thing I wanted before I died, and I must say that as thrilling as I expected it to be, I could never have imagined that it would revolutionize my television viewing, aka: my life!

Most people are probably aware that a DVR allows you to pause live broadcasts and watch a recorded program while recording another, but there's another feature that I've found to be indispensable: Programs, most notably Presidential addresses, can assault your senses in DOUBLE-SPEED!

Before I tell you exactly how that affected my State of the Union viewing, let me tell you about another experience I had earlier in the day.

I like to watch Neil Cavuto, Glenn Beck, and Bret Baier whom I've written several times (without response) demanding to know why the need for three vowels. But speaking of threes, there are other things I could be doing with those three hours. So I now record them.

This allows me to start watching Cavuto when Bair's Special report comes on, and between double-speed and jumping past commercials faster than you can read "Vigara," I'm able to watch all three guys in an hour and ten minutes – which now leaves me free to see two uninterrupted hours of I Dream of Jeannie and Bewitched!

But as transformative as this device has been, I foresaw even greater possibilities – which is why I bought a tuner for my wife's computer too. Now I can record Jeannie and Samantha on her desktop and watch even more stuff in the same three hour block. For example, on some days, Animal Cops Phoenix comes on at the same time. It's almost like standing between two mirrors and seeing yourself duplicated endlessly! If only my parents could see me now!

The State of the Union Address was certain to overflow with arrogance and condescension, punctuated only by moments of petulance, but I looked at it as if I were a witness to an execution – it's a tough job, but somebody has to do it…

OK, I'm not being honest… I'd actually be willing to pay a premium for tickets to an execution, but that's just me. And if they ever televise one, I certainly wouldn't watch it in double speed. If anything, I'd use slo-mo… but I know I'm getting slightly off point.

So I started watching the speech at approximately thirty-seven minutes after it began – in double-speed, and I must say that the most consternation I experienced was in seeing the bar creeping up all too quickly on real-time. The feeling that I might have to see the final moments of Obama in the moment, at actual speed was not just horrifying, it was nauseating. I mean, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy, ie, Obama himself!

But alas, my timing couldn't have been better. I'd had the real-time speech muted on my TV, and there was Bret Baier in all his splendid vowels beginning his analysis mere moments before my computer TV caught up to him. So all in all, I have to say that my State of the Union experience was THRILLING!

And there's way more. Not only did double-speed viewing reduce Obama's epic display of narcissism from excruciating to merely long and boring, but it also did something that people who rip CDs to MP3s find very useful – it  "smoothed out" the ponderous lecturing and the preening – the highs and lows, the gestures and pregnant pauses all went by so quickly as to be all but unnoticeable. The audio term is called "normalizing," and it's something Obama could never do for himself!

Now here's a message that both recognizes the President's exceptional capabilities and offers a note of caution…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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