Miss America For Dummies

I watched The Miss America Spectacle… I'm sorry… I watched the Miss America Pageant… on Saturday night for the first time in longer than any of the contestants have been alive. I did it not because Rush Limbaugh was going to be a judge. I did it because I felt it important that I be familiar with the event when Rush talked about it today.

Right near the beginning, I noticed something very interesting – that after all the criticism the Pageant has gotten over the years about allegedly exploiting women and specifically, for the bathing suit competition, it was apparent that the swimwear was WAY skimpier than it was before the criticism started, so this should be a lesson for us all – never shy away from criticism, much good can come from it.

The talent competition was great. First up was Miss California. Unfortunately, I couldn't find a clip of the Golden State girl, but I shall attempt to describe her act in detail.

She performed a ballet number dressed in what appeared to be a colorful beach umbrella with an adult diaper underneath. It was a little like watching a slightly more graceful Baby Huey!

I'll never forget the finale. If you didn't know she was from California, you'd know it immediately when, with her back to the audience, she bent over such that the umbrella was almost perpendicular – which made the diaper look like a full moon only much closer. Then she bent up over herself so that her face appeared upside down above the moon looking out at the audience. Amazingly, she didn't win the crown.

Soon after there was Miss Hawaii who, we were told, was to perform a hula. For my money, I think she looked like she'd been slammin' down the Jack Daniels in order to calm competition jitters. Here, judge for yourself…

Miss Kentucky was impressive, not for her singing talent, but for the fact that she can fit a basketball in her mouth…

And my personal favorite in the talent portion of the program was Miss Louisiana. I'm not sure what her talent was, but this is what sold me…

Then came the questions which inspired me to dub the following, "Me and the Misses." As you know, somebody poses a question to a contestant and she answers…

I provide the corrections…

First up, Miss New Mexico…

HELL NO! English is the greatest language ever invented. Learn it, love it. You foreigners can keep your accents, but learn to speak English – it worked well enough for Arnold Schwarzenegger and most other Austrailians, didn't it?!?

And naturally, the subject of Haiti came up. I thought the question was framed perfectly…

Now as you know, I love Miss Louisiana, but her answer was ridiculous, and that's even apart from the fact that Haiti would be so much better off today if every child did indeed have the chance to hold a musical instrument. The answer to the woman's question required  a single word – EXACTLY!

Finally it was time to crown Miss America, and frankly, when you hear that it was Miss Virginia, the only black finalist, you might think there was more white guilt involved in the decision, but that couldn't be further from the truth. Not only did Miss Virginia sing great, but in answering her question, she was the only one who offered a spontaneous and genuinely worthwhile answer. Regrettably, I can't remember a word of it, which proves my point.

But you can see from her picture that she is very Oprah-like, except lighter skinned, and judging by the way she answered her question, I'm not sure she could speak Black even if she wanted to!

So now it's time to hear what Rush has to say…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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4 Responses to Miss America For Dummies

  1. Waterbaby says:

    Thanks for your take. I usually wake up too late to catch much of Rush's show so I'll be checking out the transcripts. I did hear the song clip – amazing.

  2. TedWest says:

    Speaking of singing, I forgot to mention this – why did the two women who sang opera pick selections that made you want to kill yourself?

  3. Waterbaby says:

    Did they? Couldn't tell ya!

  4. Lexann says:

    LOL!! Didn't see the show, but your commentary makes up for it. Hilarious!

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