Comments And Comebacks

Politics is a delicate subject involving the most indelicate people… I spent the last week looking over my political blogging of days past, and I decided to inflict these on you. They're my favorite comments and comebacks from back then… along with a few newer ones…

 

  • A guy named Francis once accused me of being the rudest person he'd ever encountered online (sound familiar?). In an effort to change his opinion, I asked if he was the same Francis who made some movies with Donald O'Connor? He wasn't amused, proving that some people just can't be shmoozed!

 

  • Notice Of Name Change: She's so fat again that Kirstie Alley has just changed her name to Kirstie Broadway.

 

  • A recent headline read: Cigarette smoking may inhibit Parkinson's.

 

  • A recent report said there's been a huge drop in tourism in recent years. That might sound ominous, but it's not. The truth is, because of all the new restrictions after 9/11, people find it's way less hassle just to come here illegally.

 

  • An Everyday Question For My Friends, Both Foreign And Domestic: Why am I talking to you if you're a foreigner or a domestic? Oh relax, it's a joke! I talk to my wife, and she's a foreigner who's never been domesticated!

 

  • Have you seen those Jennie Craig ads where Kirstie Alley has apparently ballooned up so nicely that they can't show her from the bosom down? The company's new tagline is: "Gain twenty pounds for twenty dollars!* (excluding the cost of food)"

*Cost of Ms. Alley's new cookbook.

 

  • Regarding the death penalty, if the various states would only just advertise for executioners, I'm there! You know how people say there's one thing they really want to do before they die? Well…!?

 

  • I'd be willing to execute people for twenty bucks + tip! It's like when Woody Allen told Peter O'Toole in What's New Pussycat that he got a job dressing the Paris showgirls for twenty francs a week. "That's not very much, " O'Toole noted. "It's all I can afford," Allen replied! "Hi, I'm Ted, I'll be your executioner tonight… can I get you a cocktail"

 

  • Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't most people see a blog as an opportunity to exchange ideas? That is SO not how I see it. Because generally speaking, I not only have all the ideas I need, I know what works, what will work, and what ideas I'm willing to consider from others that differ from that I know works and will work. So this blog is a place for the free exchange of ideas – mine!

 

  • Did you see the headline today? "WWF: Global warming to destroy 60% of Amazon by 2030"

 

  • I couldn't care less. I've never shopped there, and with any luck, I'll be dead by then anyway. Besides, when did wrestlers become economists?

 

  • El Presidente, Jorge Whatsaborder Arbusto, went to Capitol Hill yesterday to lobby for his immigration plan, aka, The-Not-So-Great Society!

 

  • Some Republicans such as Trent Lott and Lindsay Graham were praising Ted Kennedy. Michael Chertoff even said Kennedy was "awesome." If you think you're in the Twilight Zone, you are – the Twilight of the Republic.

 

  • Latest Harry Reid Opinion Poll

19% hold a favorable view of him

45% hold an unfavorable view

36% think he's a tall grass

 

  • The media is now so biased and unrelenting in pushing Obama's programs that I think they deserve a new label. They've been called the Mainstream Media, and the State-Run Media, Me, I prefer the Hydraulic Press.

 

  • I figure conservatives are failing to hold George W accountable when they talk about our current problems because it's obviously overkill – like bulldozing a bush!

 

  • Liberals should, in no way, take my comment to mean that I agree with any position they hold. First die, then we'll talk.

 

  • When I look at George Bush now, I see O.J. Simpson but without the the latter's athletic ability – or intelligence.

 

  • I know, I know, it's a small gesture, but what do you expect, I'm a small guy!

 

  • To my mind, the biggest problem with freedom of speech is that it seems to benefit idiots far more that is does rational people.

 

  • A columnist once asked, "Is George Bush President of Mexico?" I think a better question is: when is a President not a President? Answer: When he's a Bush.

 

  • Liberals, they spend half their days hurling charges, and the other half fabricating them. The media makes sure they never have to justify them, and they never feel shame. To me it's all philosophical: They don't think, therefore they're not.

 

  • Scientists have noticed that once indestructible ice sheets on Greenland and Antarctica have begun to creep toward the sea." So what, everyone wants beachfront property. Why should glaciers be any different? Besides, you know you can lead a glacier to water, but you can't make it sink!

 

  • Have you ever noticed that California is shaped like a sock? Would somebody please "darn" it?!

 

  • This just in: Obama names Apology Czar – apologizes for not doing it sooner!

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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