A Conversation With The Wife About Toronto

This morning's breakfast viewing was The Unsellables, a Canadian produced offering by HGTV. The name should tell you all you need to know as to what this show's about.

Now we love to see people's homes that are filthier than ours as much as the next guy, but remember, we were eating breakfast… and one of the opening shots of this woman's interior (of her house, not the woman herself) was one which showcased rat droppings… on the dining room table…

Wife: Oh, we have to see THAT?

Me: We could probably do without it.

Wife: I'm EATING!

Me (hoping to distract her) The sign says "York," this is the Toronto area.

(Realtor on TV identifies it as the Toronto area)

Wife: It's a Canadian -show-.

Me: Yes, but I'm pretty sure there are other areas in Canada, and I knew this one before she did!

Wife (seeing a sign on the screen): Four hundred… and twenty-nine thousand… for THAT*?

Me: Did you see all the snow?

Wife: YES! Four hundred and twenty-nine THOUSAND… with white shit** in front…?"

Me: It's like what Microsoft does with Vista, you have to pay extra if you don't want it.

Wife(muttering) : I'm not watching this…  black shit… and white shit… (something inaudible)***.


I turned it off – but its recorded – and the day is young.


*A small bungalow of typical starter home size for the Midwest, rats usually not included in the asking price.

**We apologize for the crude language, but felt it was integral to the story… she hadn't had her coffee yet.

***Early readers may remember this as "rat shit… white shit" My wife informs me that I'd misunderstood her.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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7 Responses to A Conversation With The Wife About Toronto

  1. I had a neighbor who was from Winnipeg when I was a boy, he took me to an LA Kings Hockey game. He had two girls and as the neighbor boy I was a good friend. I was never friends with my dad.

  2. TedWest says:

    I had a neighbor whom I didn't know, but when I met her and we talked for a few moments, thought I detected something, so I asked, "Are you Canadian?"
    She looked shocked: "Yes, but I left there eighteen years ago."
    Me: "I noticed a slight accent."
    She couldn't believe it.
    It's a gift – I'm a Canadian detector.

  3. Darcy says:

    LOL — is that like Cana-dar?

  4. TedWest says:

    Oh, Cana-dar… Sounds like a Bostoner!

  5. Didn't Canada nearly have a civil war over that language to sing O Canada first? Eh 😉

  6. Darcy says:

    Cana-dar, so you detect Canadians… like gaydar…. oh never mind.

  7. TedWest says:

    LOL. What do I look like, Timothy, I got it the first time!
    Zak, I have no idea, I mean it's Canada, for God's sake. I don't believe they've explored their whole country yet, themselves.

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