My ''friend," Burt Prelutsky, has written a column which I recommend reading. In it, he expresses the opinion that conservatives should take a page from liberals and move to Canada, but not because we're fleeing America the way liberals claimed to want to do but never quite could,
No, Mr. Prelutsky sees it as a strategic move – he feels there may be enough conservatives to take over Canada!
This, of course, raises two questions:
1) How does he define "conservatives?"
2) Has he ever been to Canada?
I haven't been there myself in decades, but from where I sit, here's what's changed: they're camouflaging their accent now so as to get all the acting jobs in America.
Otherwise, they're known as the people liberals look to for liberal lessons.
But I get the point – if conservatives take over Canada, then it doesn't matter what liberals think or do, we'll run the place, and then we can finally be a thorn in the side of American liberals. We'll have oil, timber, Molson's, and believe me, we'll welcome "global warming" with open arms.
There's just one problem: does Burt think we can just walk in and take over? He says there's eighteen million of us. Does Canada have open borders with signs that say "Entering Canada – and we really appreciate it?"
Granted, they'd initially appreciate the our business, but would they still feel that way when we give them the business? Plus, we'd have to learn to speak Canadian. It's not that hard, but it is that goofy. I worked in Canada for a year and a half, and I mastered the end of sentence "eh," but I never could bring myself to say "aboot."
Then there's the spelling problem: you have to remember it's "cheque," not "check," and "zed," not "zero," and don't even get me started on Quebec, which starts with a "K" in case you didn't realize.
Oh, and there's no American cheese – it's Canadian cheese, and Canadian bacon is just "bacon." I think regular bacon is "pig strips." Try saying that if you go there.
Then there's Boxing Day, that special day after Christmas when everyone packs up the crap they got for Christmas and gets ready to exchange it for something they can really use – like cash, and Thanksgiving Day is a month earlier in Canada as I recall, but don't worry, you won't notice the difference since it will be at least as cold in October as it is in November here.
I don't think they even have an Independence Day, that might give people ideas about "individualism."
They also say, "in hospital" and "on holidays." the former is decipherable despite the grammar problem, but the latter means they're on – vacation. I don't even know how they refer to real holidays.
Now I know this seems like small stuff, so here's something big: the cost of housing in Toronto was roughly double what it was in Cleveland when I went there, but people didn't get paid double – worse, they got paid in Canadian "dollars!" (Well, it used to be worse, anyway). And did you know much of Canada never sees the Sun? And that Vancouver will never have a water shortage because it never stops raining?
Oh, and then there's Newfoundland. Even Canadians don't go there. I had to call there once, and I got a person who seemed normal – by Canadian standards… until I asked her what time it was there. I had thought they were an hour ahead of me. She replied, "It's twelve thirty." I looked at my watch. It was noon where I was. I so wish I could say I'm joking.
So you see, Mr. Prelutsky has clearly not thought this through. But he can be forgiven because he lives in the LA area (and if he doesn't, he does now). They think the rest of the world copies them. Boy is he in for a surprise. I can't wait to hear what he has to say when he experiences Regina in January.
Hey, I just realized it's January! I'm doing to email him and suggest he go -on holidays- there this weekend and write a follow-up column in which he relates his experiences as our advance-man. Let's see how great Canada looks when he's smack in the middle of it?!?
That's right, Burt, let's have an accurate picture. That means you can't wait for summer when everything seems normal. Besides, I can't remember who said it, but you know where I'm going – "I spent the summer in Edmonton once – it was a Tuesday."