I Don’t Know How To Love Him

WARNING: If you're the least bit religious, you should not read this!

I'm not joking, and I don't say that as an enticement. Don't read this!

But just as Adam ate the apple and Eve ate him, some of you probably won't heed my warning, so I'm telling you, I won't be responsible if you venture beyond this point, because even if you disagree completely, there is no argument you can make that will change anything.

(The following line was is actually the last line I wrote)

In fact, the more I think about it, no one should read this… the only reason I'm posting it is in the hope that someone who is in basic agreement with me would be able to offer some sort of reassurance that things could be as bad as I see the, yet there could still be a good outcome.

Also, I haven't posted anything to my Divine Doubters group in what seems like an eternity.

 

A Conversation With The Wife About My Sweet Lord

 

I asked my wife this morning, "You know the Trinity?"

Wife: A triangle?

Me (shaking my head): No… What's THE Trinity?

Wife: God? The Father… the son… like that?

Me: Yeah, they call the three guys in one, the Trinity… What would you call it if there were four?

Wife: A Square?

Me: Oh, That's PERFECT! The Holy Square!

Wife: Perfect for what?

Me: God the Father, God the Son, God the Holy Ghost, and God the Bastard… He's the one who created all this (gesturing out there)

Wife: Well, I don't think there's really a…

Me: Hold on. I know where you're going, and how did this get here?

Wife: No one knows.

Me: No, no, no…. this makes me crazy, because something had to always exist, either animate or inanimate, and if it was inanimate, where did that come from?

Wife: I think everybody has their own ideas.

Me: Actually, that's what prompted this. There's an article on WorldNetDaily that says just that – most people are creating their own concepts, and it's fragmenting Christianity, and I think they're right, because if the Bible is real and true, then God isn't all powerful, just and good, He's unspeakably evil. That's why I prefer my Tabitha Theory, not only does it make more sense than the Bible, but it lets God off the hook.

Wife: He doesn't care.

Me: Exactly! If you take the Bible literally, it's shocking. God is "all narcissistic," and petty, and power mad. He created us for his own amusement, as if we're pets. We literally have less say than a dog has to us. Then he kills us. Dogs die, but we don't cause it. God Causes us to die – he kills his own pets. And if we live after death, He puts us through hell on earth why? So we really appreciate the "good life: later? And, worse than the worst dictator, we're afraid to cross him because the punishments are beyond the realm, the imagination of the most evil rulers the Earth has ever seen… and THAT'S if you believe the Bible.

Wife: I want to go to the yard.

Me: Zak just told me to go for a drive and enjoy the weekend. How many more weekends can I hope for?

Wife: At least one, Burn Notice returns this Thursday.

Me: Spray the weeds while you're out there.

Wife (putting on her "rice fields hat): It's too early to hose the pigeons, isn't it?

Me (shaking head yes):

 

Epilogue:

Wife (poking her head in the door): What time is it?

Me: 2:23, why?

Wife: I have to get rid of a dead pigeon

Me: Just throw it in Mike's yard.

Wife: NOOO!

Me: Thanks for pigeons, God the Square…

 

By the way, I'm hoping someone will correct me about Adam and the apple… to show just how absurd this all is.

Am I afraid? Yes, but there's nothing I can do. I mean, how do you love a God you hate for what He's done? It would be like loving Hitler… who's actually better.

And to show you just how screwed up I am, I actually finished the first draft of a comedy piece at the same time…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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3 Responses to I Don’t Know How To Love Him

  1. Well you have an egg and a sperm then the fertilized egg becomes a zygote which is the product of the first two but entirely different. Once this biological process is nurtured and sustained it becomes a fetus and then a baby. This is the most practical explanation of what the trinity must be like. However, I am philosophical and not religious.

  2. TedWest says:

    I'm convinced that I wouldn't be the slightest bit religious were I not subject to Catholic indoctrination for twelve years, and which I didn't see as indoctrination for at least eleven of those years.
    I now see the "Trinity" as a preposterous contrivance of primitive men.

  3. Darcy says:

    The only comment I can make is "Is it too early to hose the pigeons" ??

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