A Conversation With The Wife About Yogurt

Thursday, 8am, I walk into the kitchen…

Wife: I ate yogurt with mayonnaise in it yesterday.

Me (after a pause): Was it good?

Wife: Aaaaa… it was awful!!

Me: That's funny, it was great on a potato late at night.

Wife: Why didn't you label it?

Me: Because it was such a small amount… like a teaspoon. I never thought you'd eat it.

Wife: It was TWO tablespoons!

Me: So now it's gone?

Wife: I returned it.

Me: You… you put what you were eating back in the container?

Wife: I returned what was LEFT to the refrigerator!

Me: Great, now I'll have to have a tiny potato for lunch.

Wife: This is my ritual… every morning, I have warm milk and about two tablespoons of yogurt – every morning.

Me: I know… which is why I thought you'd open a NEW container… because the mayonnaise one only had ONE TABLESPOON… I thought.

Wife: At first I thought the yogurt was rotten…

Me: Hey, maybe you should change your ritual to a potato in the morning?


Me (laughing):

Wife: Just don't do it again.

Me: OK, let's not make a big thing out of it. Didn't you see it looked different?

Wife: Afterward, I saw it looked yellow… after I realized it was mayonnaise… but you don't see well when you just get up, especially when you're not expecting yellow yogurt…

Me: See, THIS is why I worry… I told you to always be alert.

Wife: That was about people in parking lots.


Wife: Hhggg

Me: Did Forensics Files ever show a husband poisoning his wife in a parking lot?

Wife: Well, if you're going to murder someone, early morning is the time to do it.

Me (making a mental note):

Wife: No one would ever think there was mayonnaise in the yogurt.

Me: It could be worse… I could be like the houseboy in A Shot In The Dark and attack when you're sleeping!?

Wife: You're the one who's usually asleep at this time.

Me: Then… you could be the houseboy in A Shot In The Dark?!



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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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One Response to A Conversation With The Wife About Yogurt

  1. This reminds me of the Michael Franks' "Eggplant" song: "Sometimes I eat it raw with mayonnaise." LOL

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