A Conversation With The Wife About Christmas (Kind Of)

We're watching a Fox & Friends Christmas special on this Christmas Eve evening, and they are about to play charades (yes, this passes for high entertainment in our household)

So Steve Doucy shows the guy what he has to get his group to say and the fellow says, "OK, five words" as the screen caption says "Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy."

Me: And the guy says FIVE words!?

Wife: Is that from Cracker Nuts?"

Me: Y… huh?"

Wife: The Nutcracker? Sorry, it just came out…

Me: (Laughing uncontrollably as I nonchalantly reach for the keyboard):

(long pause)

Wife: Are you writing about what I said?

Me (Shaking head in the affirmative):

Wife: On Christmas?

Me: Mmm-Hmm.

Wife: Damnit…


Now it occurred to me that you didn't catch the conversation in which I explained my wife's use of Damnit, so here's my Christmas gift to you…


A Conversation With The Wife About Kings And Countries

(I think to fully appreciate this, you need to realize how my wife says "Damn it." It's not the way you do all day, everyday, as an exclamation – "DAMN IT!" No, hers is soft, almost apologetic – "Daaamn iiiit."

So the Final Jeopardy subject was: Country Names (not to be confused with Country Roads)

And the questions was:

"Some people in this Asian country named for a European king now want to call it by an indigenous name, Maharlika"

Me: Let's see, it's gotta be… down… there…

Wife: Malaysia.

Me: There's a European king named Malaysia?

Wife: I don't know.

(Pause as the music plays)

Me: The Philippines

Wife: No.

(Time expires)

(Only the Champion gets it right)

(And the answer is…)

(The Philippines!)

Wife: Damn it.

Now, would you care to guess where my wife is from?

Wife: How did you know that?

Me: King Philip… ?


Me: Of Spain…?

Wife: Damn it

Me: How come you didn't know?

Wife: I probably did…

Me: Oh yeah, that "no" you gave me meant it was right on the tip of your tongue?

Wife: They probably taught us that in grade school

Me: And you forgot it?

Wife: Damn it.


Wife: I'm glad they didn't change it to Maharlika…


Wife: Damn it.

Me: That would make you a Maharlikan?


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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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