Gettin My Kicks On Route 666

If you weren't following the riveting discussion in which I was recently and elsewhere involved, join the club because I wasn't either. However, that didn't stop me from participating, and I hope this will be a lesson for you.

As you know, I do this sort of thing so you won't have to, but don't think it doesn't take its toll. In addition to having to interact with some unsavory characters, I have to try to think like they do for actual moments on end, and experts warn that there is no known level of safe exposure for such an activity

This latest chapter in my worldwide war against the group, High IQ Idiots, or HI-QI for short, began with a seemingly simple rant by Dox about his misperception that a radio host had embraced one of the more preposterous religious superstitions involving the number 666. On his show last week, Mike Gallagher noted that on the day after Obama was elected, the Illinois lottery's three number game picked the "wildly improbable"* aforementioned 666.

The Dox interpretation of Gallagher's comment had the talker embracing the idea that God was using 7/11s to communicate to the faithful that Obama was the Devil himself. I know Gallagher didn't because I happened to be listening too.

Notwithstanding that one doesn't need a Big Gulp to realize that Obama is the Devil, the bigger problem involves what happens when you tell someone a story and ask him to pass it on – by the time the story gets back to you, it's not only unrecognizable, but several people have been murdered along the way to keep the secret from getting out.

What secret, you ask? Well, in this case, it's that Gallagher merely mentioned the coincidence that the lottery number was 666 on Day One, AO (After Obama), and that he made no reference to additional religious implications, much less endorse the lunacy of such contrivances. But you might not ever know that from the account given by Dox.

Which is basically what I told him, but he apparently wasn't buying it. Nevertheless, it would have ended there had not a member of the Religion of Science's own fringe decided to take issue with the insignificant, and in the process demonstrate that plate movement may cause mountains to form, but it's actually men of science who have formed the world's tallest peaks – from molehills.

See, in providing Dox with my take on the matter, I said that from a purely human interest standpoint, I found it astounding that those numbers would come up on Wednesday – the day Obama would actually be descending. And I further stated that it was far more astounding that he and I would have both caught Gallagher's comment because he'd said he was just cycling through stations, and I remarked that I never listen to this fellow but that I had happened to turn him on at that very moment and turned him off almost immediately thereafter.

Without your running the numbers, I'm still willing to bet that the average person would find that amount of coincidence amazing. But then you're not a "scientist," and I was about to learn why normal people aren't… or at least why they don't call themselves one.

It turns out that while I thought I was done with the subject, a woman who plays a scientist somewhere, probably on her job, decided that the record needed to be set straight. What record, you ask? Well, it involves the correlation of odds to adjectives.

See, I didn't know it (so you sure didn't) but it turns out that the odds of 666 being picked that day didn't officially qualify as "astounding." And before you get too far ahead of me, I must disclose upfront that as a layman, I didn't ask to see the chart, so I pretty much have to take her word for it… if I were inclined to be a word-taker.

Now, if you're not me, you probably would have let this all pass and chalk it up to the fun little games science fanciers play among themselves, but that's exactly why I'm where I am, and you're not. Now I warn you, this gets murky (ier) from here, and that's primarily because I couldn't have cared less about facts and accuracy from that point on except insofar as they might:

A) Drag out the subject to see if we could establish, for the sake of science and humanity, the absolute limit of man's ability to tolerate tedium, and…

B) Drag is the King of Trite, John, who stands ever vigilant and anxious to provide the exact amount of tangential nothingness that both prolongs a discussion that has trailed off into insignificance and confuses people just enough to keep them wondering if John knows something they don't.

The answer to that last part is, yes, John does know things you don't – like the fact that the divorce rate was higher in 1930 than it is today, that plagiarism can simply be 'channeling," and that one's mind can be such an enormous storehouse of facts, they can actually block the brain's ability to determine how to use them.

And it's a fact that John's own brain is so filled with sniglets which literally cause so much pressure that he often can't control where extraneous facts drop. So if you ever read something John posts and it's so irrelevant that it qualifies as 'astounding" on your own unofficial scale, please understand that he can't help it – that's just the way real geniuses are.

Now, what bearing all this has on Dox and 666 is tricky, which makes me the perfect person to explain it – I'm detached and disinterested, I have contempt for the unnecessarily complicated and no sympathy for idiots, most especially, highly educated ones.

OK, this woman,who shall remain nameless owing to the fact that grade schoolers can multiply better than she can, but whose formal title is Queen of Trite had informed me that what I had found to be astounding was merely unusual, and as I said, I didn't ask her to provide cutoff points. I did, however, do my best to continue the discussion because John hadn't arrived yet, which in itself was astounding considering his penchant for maintaining a feverish level of tedium.

Think in terms of forensics… after John leaves the scene of his crime, you can vacuum the tedium, you can scrub it furiously, but the microscopic particles are still everywhere. When the forensics experts get in there and shine their special lights around, you've got tedium on the walls, the floors, the ceiling… and people like Dox may not know it, but you have to disclose all this when you try to sell the place.

Now I haven't revisited the scene since my last comment, but when I left, John had just tried to make a joke (I think), because if he wasn't, he needs to move to Oregon or, now, Washington if you get my drift. Anyway, John said that we should all be deep-sixed because the odds of 666 showing up on 11/5 were 1:1. What he meant relative to 666 was, it's here, it's queer, get used to it – as in, once it has been drawn, the odds of it existing are pretty good.

Similar, in fact, to the odds that this is killing you by now – as it nearly did me much sooner – which is why I had to get out while I could…

But not before I helped Queenie with her math. I'm sure if you go there, she'll have a perfectly good explanation for her apparent error. And if you do go there, you're a better man than I. I'd love for you to come back here and tell me that you can explain it all in even more simple terms… and then proceed to not do it.

And if you don't like what you just read, please note that I own this blog, and I too am often astounded by its content.


*Not officially corroborated

Read and post comments | Send to a friend


About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Gettin My Kicks On Route 666

  1. TedWest says:

    I've pondered your "what" for some time, and I think I can distill it all down to its astounding essence…
    1) Dox, because of his extreme anti-religious bias made an issue out of nothing.
    2) I countered that the odds of the lottery picking 666 were astounding
    3) Queenie ran the numbers and found that to qualify as 'astounding" higher odds were required.
    4) Sensing that nothing might just become something, I said 'stuff" which is defined as: "the rightness or wrongness is irrelevant" because I knew that where Queenie was, John couldn't be far behind, and I know it's a little cruel, but I've watching him be stupid.
    5) Queenie countered that I was quite wrong, as any third grader could tell me, and that "astounding" implies astoundingness< By her calculations, 10,000:1 on a super-secret scientific scale is classified as "Gee."
    6) Then John appeared and threw up, which was actually less messy than his usual responses.
    7) I apologized to Queenie for allowing her to believe she was a bigger fish than she actually was, but I explained that it was because I was looking at her in a side-view mirror – on my yellow submarine… under the sea of idiocy. Then I asked her to consult with the nearest third grader because she had made a slight error, which if it had involved traveling to a planet… or global warming, she would have missed her mark by… how should I put it… an -astounding- margin?

  2. Lexann says:

    LOL! You are so funny! I gotta go to Dox's blog & read the trail…

  3. TedWest says:

    I wish Burt, my ex-partner, could read your comment, it would ruin his day. But he's Jewish, so he's not happy until his day is ruined!
    I just might send him the link.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s