Damn You, Billy Mays

It was just a few weeks ago that I was saying I'd never buy anything Billy Mays was peddling and that I hoped he die a horrible death! What a difference an ad makes. That S.O.B. may have made me an offer I can't refuse.

It's called Mighty Mendit, and it's a clear glue that is supposed to mend almost anything, but it's particularly touted for mending torn fabric. And not only did this bastard offer to triple his offer and give me THREE bottles which, according to his own words, would be equivalent to mending three houses worth of stuff, but he's throwing in a can of rhinestones to boot.

I've always wanted rhinestones on stuff. I almost bought some tool ten years ago that worked like a stapler, but I saw the shortcomings there – you had to use their special stones and you obviously couldn't mount the stones to just any surface… which completely eliminated the front of my house and my car from consideration.

But now, with the Mighty Mendit and the flat glittering jewels, I could be the envy of my neighborhood!

Plus, all my clothes are rags, and I've been particularly distressed this summer that I tore the behind out of my favorite shorts. Oh I still wear them of course, but only around the yard. I have to be a little careful though so I don't wear the shorts in conjunction with the underwear that has a big tear in the exact same place.

Now I can picture wearing "Old Blue" to the grocery store again, and even to more formal places like my doctor's and dentist's offices and our favorite bistro.

The ad has literally restored my will to live.

What really sold me was when he pulled out this small scarf that he said had been bonded back together with Mighty Mendit and washed fifty times. Then he pulled on it and it was still intact! I knew right then that if he's telling the truth, I wouldn't have to buy any new clothes for the rest of my life since I don't think I've ever washed anything fifty times!!!

But now there's a slight problem: I've had long and bad experience with TV products. For example, I also bought a pencil-like thing that was supposed to make needlepoint a snap. They showed it on TV, and the woman was zipping along, but when I got it home, I found there was nothing to catch the stitch underneath, and I was so disappointed. See, it's always been my dream to have stitched, framed sayings all over the house.

Then there was the Fabric Paint Debacle. Some woman, oddly without an English accent, was on the television coloring everything, and I immediately saw the value in that since I had a lot of old white underwear that was… well… let's just say it was no longer white.

I literally rushed to the phone on that one, and when I got the paint, first I had to get my own brush. Unbelievable! The stuff did make my old underwear look like new again – but the keyword there is "look." They didn't feel like new when you put them on. Although I suppose some people would consider the feel of burlap underwear on bare skin to be a luxurious sensation?!?

So I really want Mighty Mendit, but I'm older now and more wary. That's why I'm asking that one of you be the suck… I mean, "tester" first. I'll even send you a pair of my shorts if you'd rather not try it on your own heirloom clothing?

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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5 Responses to Damn You, Billy Mays

  1. He's the best pitchman on TV but even though I'm in awe of his skills and all the gigs he's booked I still hit the mute button. ROFLOL

  2. TedWest says:

    Here's the problem – I never can get to the mute button fast enough, and the mere sound of his voice is so grating that it immediately disorients us sensitive types such that it then takes even longer to hit mute. Then my wife gets all upset because I start screaming and cursing, and saying impractical things like, I'm gonna hunt that guy down and cut out his vocal chords…

  3. Lexann says:

    LOL!!! I've got tears rolling down my cheeks from this one! Gotta try that burlap underwear!

  4. TedWest says:

    By all means, I'm sure they'll look better on women than men, and if nothing else, they'll be a conversation piece if you see where I'm goin'?
    And in the unlikely event that you find them not to your liking, they also make great pot scrubbers!

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