Global Bird Warming Flu

Bird Flu: More Over-Hyped Than the Super Bowl

By Greg Gutfeld

It was only a few years ago that we were told that bird flu would leave our country covered with corpses and feathers. But now, according to real experts, "the risk was over-estimated" and the pandemic lacked scientific proof.

Big surprise.

It's just like all those other scares overblown by the media. Remember the killer bees? How about razor blades in candy? What about the return of fondue? I cheese-proofed my house and everything, but it was all hype.

That's because hysteria makes great press for the experts quoted and the reporters who quote them. Panics, like conspiracies, are also a great way to pretend you care about an issue when you're only repeating dopey headlines. Sadly it takes more brains to debunk hysteria and that's why you never hear real doctors babbling about bird flu or global warming, they're too busy working, instead of doing CNN.

And you're going to see this again in eight years, when the dangers of global warming approximate the dangers of bird flu, with less poop. But, on the off chance I am wrong, I just bought a new Speedo. If you'd like to see me in it, e-mail me at and I will send you a hand-drawn replica in two to three business years.

And if you disagree with me, you sir, are worse than Hitler.

And that's my gut feeling!

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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2 Responses to Global Bird Warming Flu

  1. Eudora says:

    Crazy bird flu threat! I bet this is why the apartment complex I was trying to get into didn't want to accept my cockatiels. Worried about the bird flu impacting the rental of other units. What BS! Anyways….I guess the property manager read the article as well and now the birds are welcome. I will just buy my new neighbors some Theraflu (sp?). Global warming……please!

  2. TedWest says:

    "I bet this is why the apartment complex I was trying to get into didn't want to accept my cockatiels"
    I could be that they were just hick evangelical who misunderstood what "cockatiels" are? Next time, include pictures.

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