Make The Warm Go Away

I'm reading all the reports about record cold and snow in the US, and not one single report mentions Phoenix. Hey media, when we're cold, do we not shiver?

Last February, we had the coldest temperatures I'd ever seen in my decades long residence, and now we're having the longest cold spell I've ever experienced. It's FREEZING!

Sure it's only that way for a few hours, and it's supposed to be 70 degrees on New Year's Day, but it was only 55 today – for a HIGH for Christ's sake! I mean what if Bethlehem had been like that? You couldn't give birth in a manger in Phoenix today, Child Protective Services would take the kid right away. If I'd wanted 55 for a high in December, I'd have moved to Tulsa… or maybe Iraq, which is somewhat more sophisticated.

I'm used to putting blankets on the bed, but this year, I have to wear multiple layers besides. Last night, I even put socks on my hands, and I'm still FREEZING! although I was able to trick my wife into believing that a mink was talking to her, so maybe it was worth it.

Somebody please make the global warming go away, it's so bad that I'm thinking of turning on the heat at night… although It's probably safe to turn the refrigerator off so as not to increase my carbon footprint… or cut down on my pencil use…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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17 Responses to Make The Warm Go Away

  1. The it would be colder LOL The first year we lived in Tucson it snowed several times.

  2. TedWest says:

    See, it's hard to know what to think when I hear that. but eventually, you have to put your faith in somebody, and all those scientists doing all that experimentin', I mean even if the data is bad, it has to mean something. All I know is that if it gets any warmer, I'm going to freeze solid.

  3. Jeff D says:

    Lots of snow up here in the northeast. I think we missed our December all-time record in Boston by 2/10ths of an inch. That said, it hasn't been particularly cold as it was last winter. Last year was very cold/no snow. This year seems to be average cold/loads of snow.

  4. TedWest says:

    See, a warmist can point to that as a perfect example of the problem – that it doesn't snow when it's really cold, it only snows big-time at temperatures closer to freezing, so 'm afraid your near record snow is evidence of warming..

  5. malaventura says:

    it doesn't snow when it's really coldSo the warmists want the polar bears to grow brown fur again?The trick ist this: If you had public healthcare, you could ask your doctor to prescribe hormons for your wife which make her heat up like a small sweet oven. I mean it, with these pills, they heat up like a fireside, a frieside you can cuddle at night that is. And the best part: the public pays for the pills! You can even put a kettle on, if so inclined.At work she now eats twice the food and still becomes skinnier and skinnier. Of course she absolutely loves that.So, it's a win-win.

  6. Jeff D says:

    Ted, that's a common misconception but I can assure you from a lifetime of experience that it snows at much colder temperatures than the freezing point.Heck, in February here the average temperature is under freezing and it snows plenty.

  7. TedWest says:

    Well, here we go again…
    First, Happy New Year, Jeff.
    Now… I'm from Cleveland, home of the lake effect, and you need what's known scientifically as "moisture" for snow to occur.
    But I believe this is just a misunderstanding because I didn't mean to imply that temps need to be at or above freezing, I mean that when it gets too cold, it doesn't snow because the air becomes drier. So there may be contradictions, but you rarely see snowstorms when the temperature is zero (Alaska may vary).

  8. Jeff D says:

    Sorry about that, I thought you were from Phoenix…

  9. Sounds like bull shit to me.

  10. Jeff D says:

    Nope, he's right. I just misunderstood what he was saying.

  11. TedWest says:

    Jeff, I wouldn't say you misunderstood, as I could have been clearer. I'm only sorry that Lenny isn't here to see this.
    Why do you think Clevelanders are so depressed? The lake effect keeps temps warmer than they would be, and also provides moisture for better snowfall. Of course, Buffaloans (or Buffaloites?)are more depressed because they are also downwind, but that's not all they should be depressed about.
    And Zak, I've worked for many years, and I think I'm as good as anyone at not making my BS sound like BS. But this is more an example of what I always say: my knowledge is a mile wide and a centimeter deep.

  12. I ment some of the warming mongering justifying snow or no snow etc- didn't mean to imply that you were BSing.

  13. TedWest says:

    Well, I hope you at least considered the possibility?!? After all, if you don't keep me honest, who will?

  14. 😉 It's hard to keep track of who's BSing who. LOL

  15. Jeff D says:

    Ted, I was sorry to see the Colts mail it in and cost the Browns a shot at the playoffs. I'm a big fan of Romeo Crennell.

  16. TedWest says:

    That's all I've ever wanted from life.

  17. I'm a Rams fan in recovery.

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