Warm And Fuzzy News

First, let me say that I live in a border state, and somehow, I just can't picture appearing before my local magistrate and tearfully pleading that (s)he(it) not put me in jail because I really thought it was OK to name a stuffed animal Jesus since half the men in South Phoenix have that name.

But I apologize. I've been so preoccupied with that life threatening stupidity in the Sudan that I haven't been able to bring myself to address the rapidly accumulating lifestyle threatening stupidity that is the wacko religion of global warming which, clearly, has a lot in common with Islam.

Remember, when it comes to Warmalarmism, no detail is too small to tax and/or regulate, and I thought that was demonstrated supremely well with the news that Canadian authorities want to confiscate their sheep's beer coolers because it represents a superfluous use of energy. Well, today that actually looks sane when compared to what you're about to read.

First off, did you know that smokers are contributing to global warming? No, not by all the smoke they put in the air… that's not Rube Goldbergian enough for the warmists.In fact, the smoke has nothing to do with anything, apparently. It's the smoking outside because you can't smoke in here that's the problem, and again remember, it's not because the smoke is going right up into the Boloneysphere.

Here's how it works: the smoker wants to light up, but he can't, so he heads for the exit. But it's winter damnit, and it's apparently no fun smoking when the temperature is approaching absolute zero, so what's a puffer to do? Why turn on the outdoor propane heater, of course – which produces more CO2 than a Gore mansion.

OK, so it's no more beer coolers and propane heaters. Anything else? How about divorce?

Think about it… No, I don't mean "think about it" as in "consider getting one," I mean splitting up isn't just hard on the kids, it happens to be even worse for the environment "scientists" claim. That's because the now separate parties need two dwellings and two coffee makers when only moments before they needed just one. Oh the irony… where liberals used to champion divorce, are they now going to demand people stay together for the good of the planet?

So now you're in an unhappy relationship and you can't drink or smoke… could it get any worse?

Well, maybe… and maybe not. Some scientists are studying sunsets to see if they can detect any clues to climate change. I know, what's so unusual about that you're wondering? Well, for one thing, they aren't studying current sunsets.

And they aren't looking at old Cinemascope sunsets from the fifties… not Gone With The Wind… and not black and white silent sunsets from the twenties, though you may think even that would be more sensible than what they're really doing…

Do you like art? I'm not talking about the globs of faux papier mache the designers on Home & Gay TV refer to as "wall art," I'm talking about the real stuff, and particularly… you know… sunsets… because some esteemed science guys think old paintings may offer new clues to future warming.

Wait, hold on… it just occurred to me that some of you… you know, those of you who aren't "scientists," may think I'm making some or all of this up. All I can say is, if you do, I beg you to put your money where your CO2 is.

A recent article actually said that "scientists" (it didn't use the quotation marks, can you believe that?) have studied over 500 paintings to see how colors have changed over the centuries. When it was mentioned that maybe the colors were only artists' impressions, they said, "That's why were averaging them, silly."

OK, that's not an exact quote… but it is their exact point.

And how exactly will they employ their average findings?

"By better understanding past changes in climate, they hope to improve computer models for future climate change".

As James Taranto put it, "Now that's what we call science!"

By the way, Christos Zerefos, the "scientist" who led the research at the National Observatory in Athens, said he believed it was the first scientific study of art for clues to climate variations.

My question would be, does he think it'll be the last?

That seems like more than enough for now. Next time, I may get into how bagpipes are ruining Africa, and with a little imagination, the entire planet… but I promise it'll take less imagination than those Greek scientists needed.

Oh, and did you hear the one about how deaths from environmental disasters are down about 90% since the 1920's? Of course you didn't… because you can't make it up. Only warmists are permitted to do that.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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2 Responses to Warm And Fuzzy News

  1. Diets high in complex carbohydrates which cause flatulent [methane gas + CO2] is the greatest cause of global warming don’t you know?

  2. TedWest says:

    Oh sure, I know, but I wonder what our resident experts think? They'd probably say that this sort of nonsense has nothing to do with the science… except that it's part and parcel of the movement the "science" generates. "All for one, one for all… and every man for himself," as the Three Stooges would say… except this time, there are a whole lot more stooges.
    And of course, scientists examining paintings? That sounds like a great title for a painting!?!

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