Let’s Play “Name That Supernatural Entity”

In Shakespeare's day, a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Later, my mother put it somewhat differently, "Call me anything you want, just don't call me late for dinner."

Today though, a name is everything. It's why Archibald Leach changed his name to Cary Grant, Lew Alcindor became Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Marshall Bruce Mathers took Eminem, why Jerry Mathers became The Beaver, and even why George Reeves didn't want anyone to know he was really Superman, because he finally had to kill himself when it got out and he found that no one would hire him for movies that didn't call for flying people.

And just completely forget about Ayn Rand. When you put her given name into a computer it crashes.

Nowadays, parents are becoming more and more conscious of the name they slap on their kids. So you're fascinated with Paris Hilton, but you never hear of her sister, Connie, and even Ed Begley thoughtfully added "Jr." to his son's moniker. Gone are the days when Moon Unit and Dweasel were cool, Same goes for "Chastity," although probably for different reasons.

Well now along comes a Dutch priest (and who knew they even had Dutch priests?) who demonstrates why Hollanders should stick to tulips and chocolate and putting their fingers in dykes? And would it have significantly altered Shakespeare's intent if he'd said, "A dyke by any name would smell as sweet?

Anyway, this priest thinks it would be a marvelously conciliatory gesture to Muslims if Christians started using "Allah" in place of "God," apparently under the "you can't tell an infidel without a scorecard" theory.

He points out that Allah is ubiquitous among Muslims worldwide even if they don't speak… uh what is it… Muslim. And while I don't want to take the time to look up something that might alter the direction I want to go, it's probably true that Arab Christians also refer to God as Allah – at least in the presence of Muslims*, which is probably all the time then.

Now you know I'm as amenable as the next guy to being as inclusive of Muslims as possible – if the next guy is Michael Savage, but such a magnanimous gesture just won't work from a practical standpoint, and it has nothing to do with Moe never getting the news that God has a son.

I'm not talking about religious dogma, anyway, since, as always, I prefer to approach this from the backside, and no, I'm not gay, not that there's anything right with that.

So forget about all the alterations necessary to get Christians to arrive at a point where they can say "Allah bless you" when you sneeze or "Jesus Allah" when they're exercised about something, and just consider how awkward it is in your everyday life when, for example, the kids are acting up and you have to say, "Sit down and shut up before I merge your faces with the wall, Allahdamnit."

It's just sounds French!

And speaking of which, does "a la carte" then become "God a carte?" Because, to me, that seems like something a supermarket greeter might ask you.

Incidentally, wouldn't Allah's Witnesses then have a much tougher time of it than Jehovah's do now?

Besides, why are Christians doing all the conceding? Wouldn't it be more appropriate for both sides to adopt the name "Gollah? Or does that sound too much like a bad Gomer Pyle imitation?

* This excludes Saudi Christians, of course, who don't say anything at all lest they get a beheading for their birthday.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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One Response to Let’s Play “Name That Supernatural Entity”

  1. There is no end to your cleverness. Thank the Big Guy in the Sky. I really, really enjoyed this piece. Of course you provoked me into saying "Gollah" like Gomer Pyle a half dozen times, to get it just right. I may not forgive you for that one. 🙂

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