Must Three TV

It's official, America's got no talent.

Last year, America's Got Talent was a moderately interesting variant of American Idol – until some punk kid singer won for doing the best imitation of an adult. This year, it's made up primarily of people imitating last year's contestants and Sanjaya. Yep, there's some guy who dances as if in a bad Bollywood movie (is there another kind?).

The worst last night was a magician who teaches other magicians and had decided it's time to make a name for himself. How about "Huhdini?"

That's because last night, he literally played with his own hand for two minutes. I kept waiting for him to spring the big payoff right up to the moment he "disappeared" from the stage… by walking off slowly.

The big act, and again, I mean that literally, is Glamazon, four fat women who are there for only one reason – they're willing to exploit weight gain for personal gain. Forget Glamazon, a better name for them would be Queens Of Da Nile. One woman can sing a little, but the others are just big busts. Udderly awful.

And unbelievably, the English judge said they were great role models for young girls. Like there aren't enough fat singers already for fat kids to emulate?

This reminded me of a traumatic experience I had years ago at a club in The Flats in Cleveland with Tons Of Fun, also four huge women, probably the mothers of Glamazon. I volunteered to participate in their act, and that lasted approximately fifteen seconds until one ton did a hip maneuver that sent me careening into the audience.

Following AGnT last night was NBC's new "hit," Singing Bee, which just may ruin my marriage. That's because my wife likes the show, and I think it's worse than watching fat women do karaoke.

I agree that the show sounds OK in concept: contestants fill in the missing lyrics after the band stops singing. It's just that in execution, you want to execute the contestants because you can't execute the guys who came up with this idea. And net execs think is such a great idea that Fox has its own version. I believe it's called Singing Flee. I haven't seen that one, and I sit in fear that the wife will discover when it's on.

This might tell you how bad Bee is: last night's champ won by default – when neither contestant knew the lyrics, they had a sudden death. No, not like you might think – that the first to get something right won. Oh no, it was the first who got something wrong who lost.

But by far, the most important program of the night was the Lose A War telethon on C-Span hosted by Senate Democrats. I didn't watch that one… and it's still going on as I write, so I plan on still not watching.

But you gotta admire the Dones…. er Dems. I mean if you're gonna give up, do it in style. I just think it would have been wonderfully appropriate if this show also had a British judge to tell Democrats they were great role models too…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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2 Responses to Must Three TV

  1. As always, you entertain your readers. I cannot comment on TV, as I have given it up for the summer. It will not be turned on until football starts. I figured it would be good for my weight, as I usually snack when watching TV. So far, I have lost 8 pounds. I especially love the 'udderly awful' comment. Too funny. That is not a problem for me. What the heck size bra do these huge women wear,? Does the alphabet have enough letters?

  2. TedWest says:

    Maddy, there's something I forgot to say to you elsewhere, and it's about an ongoing argument I used to have with my ex-partner who was very ungenerous to people, I felt.
    I love how you write in such a lively and animated manner and how frequently funny you are. Everything I see from you tells me that as you progress, you're destined to get better and better.
    If I amuse you, that thrills me. And you amuse me as well, so we may be our own mutual admiration society, but who cares? I mean, we know, and they don't, right?

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