A Conversation With The Wife Re: Islamic Accoutrements

After Bill O'Reilly brought up Muslim Feetfountains being installed at some college in Michigan - at taxpayer expense and wondered if CAIRguy would approve of holy water fonts for Christians?

CAIRguy: "If it's necessary for any group to the practice of their religion…"

Me: "Get that pig-bigot outta there, O'F***ly, you jackass! How dare you put him on my screen. You don't put that Muslim pork in public schools, and if he asks for it, tell him to get the hell out and pay for his own crap at his new private school… after you pop him for having the nerve to ask."

Wife: "A woman wore a cross around her neck at a high school and got sued by the NCAA…"

(pause)

Me: "It wasn't the NCAA…"

(pause)

Wife: "I get my letters mixed up… NAACP… I know there's a "C" in it…"

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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6 Responses to A Conversation With The Wife Re: Islamic Accoutrements

  1. HV says:

    Ted, Your wife is priceless. What in the hell did she do to deserve you?

  2. TedWest says:

    Well, HV, I read that to the wife, and I swear this is verbatim…
    Wife: "I'm just reasonable and practical."
    Me: "Yes you are."
    Wife: "I used to spend less than what I earned, now (because of me) I spend very, very, very, very, little,,,"
    Me: "But when you do that, you have a lot, lot more to spend later.."
    Wife: "But never thought I wouldn't be able to buy peanuts…"

  3. HV says:

    Ted, The woman must be wonderful. Please give my regards.

  4. TedWest says:

    But HV, if I did that, I'd feel compelled to give her mine.
    You know how they say "He's a comic's comic?" Well, she's a saint's saint.
    Last night my computer broke down, and I had an old one to substitute. But you just know things never go right, and this didn't. Couple that with the fact that God never misses a chance to screw with me, and there was a fair amount of yelling going on – as the wife sat there silently surfing the Net.
    But at one point, I was particularly irritated that I hadn't gotten something off the broken computer that I needed, and that meant shutting down the replacement and removing cards and cables and starting over…
    Couple that with the fact that my computer sits on the side of the couch in a cramped space, and it made for considerable swearing.
    So in an effort to help, the wife gets up, goes to the other end of the couch, gets down and says, "I'll move the couch out so you have more space…"
    To which I responded, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAA!," approximately as loud as I could.
    Without a word, she returned to surfing.
    And it all worked out – about three hours later.
    But now in my defense, she can buy peanuts.
    Although she did win that right only recently. It went something like this…
    Wife: "You know those peanuts aren't 99 cents anymore?"
    Me: That was only a sale?"
    Wife: "Yeah, now they're a dollar seventy-eight."
    Me: "Then why are you buying them?"
    Wife: "Uh-uh, if I wanna buy peanuts, I'll buy them.
    Me: "No."
    Wife "YES!!!"
    The rest is silent, as that song from Hair goes.
    But now before you think I'm a jerk, she can buy anything she wants – as long as the price is what it was in 1990……….

  5. Sounds like you have a Gracie of your own. That was one of my favorite electives in college. Comparing old TV shows to current TV shows. The older ones were the best by far. Pretty much the entire class agreed.We saw Burns and Allen, I Love Lucy, The Newhart Show, Bob Hope, Milton Berle and Jack Benny. They were really funny. Great dialogue.

  6. TedWest says:

    That's exactly how I think of her, Maddy, and I love her the same way Mr. Burns loved his.
    I agree about the old shows, though not entirely. I was not a fan of I Love Lucy, though i would have been if it were I Love Ricky.
    And I firmly believe that Friends is the greatest sitcom ever. The more you watch, the funnier it gets, and there's hardly a life situation they don't address.
    Then there are the great punchlines…
    "Pick a lane."
    "Who's Elaine?"

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