If I Ran America

Rush Limbaugh, in his discussion of Trent Lott and his accusation that talk radio is running America, mentioned a few things he'd do if he were running the country.

That got me to thinking… what if someone enormously more capable than Limbaugh were in charge… like, say, me?

Here's what I would do… *

Change my name to Dick Tater.

Declare America The Beautiful to be the National Anthem.

Eliminate the income tax and implement a consumption tax. Wealthy people would pay a wealth tax, which would be at least two-tiered, based on how the wealth is accruing – for example, actors and sports figures would be taxed exorbitantly or higher depending on whether they had anything left. That would deflate most arguments against taxing the rich and the ones remaining are insignificant or irrelevant.

Immediately withdraw from the UN and set up a new organization (first advocated by Jonah Goldberg) composed only of democratic countries.

Set immigration quotas based on skill and education levels and allowed unskilled immigration based on a country's ranking in "friendliness" to America.

Seal the borders and implement shoot-to-kill as a (hopefully) temporary measure.

Levy ruinous fines on employers who hire illegals and include jail penalties at some low level.

Impose the death penalty on any illegal who harms a legal resident in the commission of a crime, and for any felony whatsoever.

Declare English to be the language of the world because we can, then eliminate all forms and ballots not in English and require that all applicants for citizenship learn English – including the British and Australians. Accents will be allowed, but phased out.

Declare employer based healthcare to be illegal and create tax free contribution plans for everyone, with insurance then to be purchased privately as it is now with all other insurance.

Declare any political organization based on race or ethnicity to be illegal.

Outlaw rainbows.

Drill holes in every square inch of America where there's even a rumor of oil.

Iraq is a mess, so it would have to be grandfathered in, but I would not engage in any war I was not prepared to win by inflicting massive devastation until submission

Declare war on Islam. There were a lot of good Japanese and Germans, I'm sure, but that didn't stop us from declaring war on them.

Fire anyone in my administration who gave even the appearance of incompetence or impropriety, and pardon any border patrol agent whose "crime" was committed while upholding the best interests of America.

Impose a dress code in schools and expression restrictions on all students and those without high school diplomas.

Declare liberalism a mental disorder

Declare all hate crime laws to be hate crimes.and prosecute those responsible.

Declare Global Warming to be the Official National Joke.

Put the World Trade Center on all paper money – even foreign.

Declare George Bush as Persona Non Grata

Then resign.

* List subject to extension and amendment, so check back early and often.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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2 Responses to If I Ran America

  1. memtony says:

    How about abolishing governmental indoctrination of children and youth (sometimes called public education)?

  2. TedWest says:

    That's a good idea, but I don't want to be seen as radical.
    Besides, I think that committing all the liberals to treatment might solve that problem.

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