Warming’s Weird Wonders

You may have heard that Costa Rican frogs are disappearing and that global warming is the suspected culprit. This raises the question: Who cares?

I mean, have there been any picketers at the US embassy with signs saying, "Frogs Si, Yankees No?" Or did we just think the Costa Ricans were becoming more pro-French?

Also, are you as troubled as I am by the use of the euphemism, "disappearing," when issue is merely semantic? I mean, the frogs are still croaking, but as Paul Ford might have said, "There's all kinds of croaking, Edith… this happens to be the kind of croaking where everyone else gets more sleep!?!"

Anyway, as usual, this has prompted me do do my own research and I discovered that popsicles and other cold treats are now melting faster. As a result, there is a large increase in the number of children experiencing "Ice cream headaches," as they scramble to get more in their stomachs and less on their clothes.

Meanwhile, the Auto Club notes that there is a sharp increase in calls for emergency road service due to engine overheating. One tow truck driver who asked to remain anonymous, probably because he's Australian, said, "We used to get most of our calls from people who ran out of gas – now they're out of water…… mate."

And the American Medical Association has issued a directive effective immediately which advises its member doctors that the normal body temperature is now an even 99, adjusted for global warming, not inflation as an earlier report had claimed. But if doctors act now, for a limited time, they can still have it for 98.95.

I reported months ago about plans to extract resources from Greenland because warming has made them more accessible. Well, Angus & Ross announced it will reopen its Black Angel mine. Yes, that's right I said "reopen," as in, it used to be open before it got too cold?

And I've even been personally affected by global warming which may have gone unnoticed were it not for the disappearing frogs story. That caused me to realize that I lived here for a decade and never had a single lizard in the house. Then about four years ago, I found one in the shower. How he turned the water on, I still don't know.

Anyway, the significant thing is that it was a mere two years later that I found another one on my family room ceiling, and it dawned on me that they are increasingly being driven indoors to escape the rising temperatures. What is not known at this time is whether these are individual lizards acting alone or if they are networking.

Finally some good news for sweltering Clevelanders – the city's Recreation Department has announced that because of global warming, it is extending the swimming season at the city's public pools by one hour, weather permitting.

And Australia is doing a study to determine the feasibility of building an Opera House-like dome over the entire country. Proponents say the biggest plus is that it will be visible from space. Critics cite the same fact, but argue that it may look like a tinfoil hat.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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3 Responses to Warming’s Weird Wonders

  1. Chad says:

    Hilarious Ted! I couldn't stop laughing. I keep asking myself if we'll have to flee to the hyperspaces once the earth becomes Waterworld. Perhaps, all those cosmic rays pelting the unprotected earthlings below will mutate their genetic material. Great! Now we can all sport gills and webbed hands & feet like Kevin Costner. Seriously though, forget all that; I know you play the stock market…Here's a tip: put everything you've got into watersports paraphernalia.

  2. TedWest says:

    Oh it just got way serious. A new report warns that M&Ms are right on the verge of melting in your hand.

  3. HV says:

    "M&Ms are right on the verge of melting in your hand. "

    WE MUST ACT NOW! ! ! ! !

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