Take My Global Warming Pledge – PLEASE!

There was an article in a liberal nutrag the other day that was surprisingly sane. The title was, Ten Things You Can Do Right Now To Help Stop Global Warming In Its Tracks And Save Yourself Some Money At The Same Time But Were Afraid To Ask.

Or something to that effect.

Anyway, I found that I do all of them already. That's right. It's not that I have a conscience with respect to wasting energy or creating vast amounts of methane, I just can't stand to spend money on things that get used up.

But now I've realized that there's nothing further in it for me to help save the planet from here on out, and what concerns me even more is that everywhere I go, otherwise sensible people seem to be buying into the notion that global warming is some sort of real problem..One guy even just said there's an 80% chance of it.That means they might be willing to do something nutty – which might be fine if it weren't for the possibility that whatever nutty thing they decide to do might be codified and that they may not stop at one.

And that means there is a very good chance that they could do something that would affect me negatively. What comes to mind is something along these lines of what if they gave people incentives to reduce their energy bills by 20%? That's an arbitrary number by the way, I didn't just decide to use it because I saw it on someone else's blog and thought it was an ideal number or anything.

Now see, you could probably reduce your energy consumption by that much and receive some government gravy in the process. That makes you a double winner. But  that would make me a loser because what I consume is already ridiculously low – my total home energy bill averages less than $70. a month, and we have a big swimming pool and 100 plus degree days scheduled just about every day now until October or I die of heatstroke, whichever comes sooner.

So I'll be sweatin' while you're gettin', and you just know some idiot will decide to penalize anyone who doesn't reduce his usage by 20%, so I'll be a three-time loser. And all for being frugal when it wasn't cool, pardon the pun.

So maybe you can see why this warming hot air steams me? Well, I've decided to bite the bullet and go against everything I believe in and do my part. I mean it!. When they start with the regulating, I pledge to do what I can to double my energy usage and more.

So if you're a warming hotshot, you can forget about making an impact. Whatever you do, I and hopefully legions of other decent, patriotic people will reach into our pockets and replace fluorescents with incandescents, take unnecessary trips, tell our carpool buddies to drive their own damn selves, cut down every tree in our yards, turn our summer thermostats down to twenty and our winter ones up to 90 - and head to Florida anyway where we'll use more heat in the hotel room until it just about kills us. Then we'll order loads of dry ice.and party like it's 1999 – the good old days when all we were concerned about was the year 2000 bug..

And just for good measure, we're gonna all get pet cows.

That's right, when we're done, the only glaciers you'll see will be courtesy of Industrial Light and Magic, so you can't win – we're gonna counter whatever you do to with your own CO2. At least there's a twenty percent chance we will…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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7 Responses to Take My Global Warming Pledge – PLEASE!

  1. Sorry for any typos, I am laughing so hard my eyes are watery and my side hurts. Please, please, count me in the 20%.

  2. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make fun of your serious article, it just sounded funny to me. Especially getting your own cow. I think I will name mine Barbra. I live in Florida, most of the time, so I can participate very easily. I love driving, maybe I should plan an excursion across this great nation of ours with a magnetic sign on the side panel that says Screw Global Warming.

  3. TedWest says:

    Maddy, my God Ilove you, and you just gave me my first laugh of the day (yes, I've been watching the news).
    I didn't say my commentary was serious, I said "this" is serious. It's bad enough that the wacko left treats this stuff as if it were important, but what makes me crazed is when people with a conservative bent give their nutty ideas "fair consideration." When the sane start validating the insane and then try to control the weather, well, we're in for some stormy weather.

  4. HV says:

    This is good…
    I read the blog, and the replies, scroll down past the comment box, and what do I see?
    Four ads, three about global warming, and one about comedy.
    How perfect is that?

  5. TedWest says:

    That's interesting. So there are ads on these pages? I wouldn't know because I've blocked everything. I must miss a lot?

  6. HV says:

    Not really.

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