Hot And Under A Collar

Hey loony lefties, what's the ideal temperature? I mean we keep hearing about global warming and how awful it will be, so I wanna know, what thermometer reading is ideal?

Do I sound foolish? Well, that's how you sound to me.

Actually, I'm being charitable. you sound moronic to me, and if I sound the same to you, it's because I'm trying to relate to you on your level.

So how thick should a glacier be?

OK, OK, I know there are no answers to those two questions. I mean if there were, you'd have already embraced my ideas for global air conditioning, a pollution pipeline to space, and dry ice for Greenland.

But now perhaps you can at least answer a general question:

Is the planet already too hot?

Is it right for me to assume that while you don't know what the exact temperature should be, it should be colder than it is now?

The reason I'm asking is that I hate the status quo unless the current quo is perfect. So is the present climate just about right? Or do you want more skiing of the snow variety and less of the water variety?

Because, myself, I'd kinda like to see what a warmer planet brings. That's right, I wanna to stamp out frostbite in my lifetime! I wanna make polar bear grooming a growing entrepreneurial opportunity. I wanna see a Club Med in Anchorage – assuming there still is an Anchorage. Otherwise, I'd like to see a Club Med in Nome.

I want citrus in Calgary and palms in Point Barrow! Can't you just imagine Club Med with a midnight sun? Would that foster or hinder romance, I wanna find out!?!

Where's your spirit of adventure? Don't you wanna go where no man has ever gone before – right here on Earth? Or are you worried about water engulfing the planet?

Because that seems like the crux of the matter, doesn't it? "I can take the heat, but it's the humidity – as in rising water levels?" So then what if we could have a warmer planet without rising sea levels, wouldn't that be loverly?

I really think warmer is better, and I bet you'd agree if I could get you alone. It's like, I moved from Cleveland to Phoenix for God's sake, actually for my own sake, but that's like one extreme to another, and look how well I'm handling it?!?

So instead of mandating carbon reductions, why don't we just legislate sea levels? Do you think that would be harder than an order of barbecued chicken, hold the carbon?

Well, consider that they say the deserts are growing, and that right here in your own West, there's a water shortage. What about massive irrigation and desalination projects? What, the Romans could do it but we can't?

"Won't work," you say, "Because all water would eventually find it's way back to the oceans." Well then, if we have hundreds of millions of gallons of oil in a strategic reserve, how about a strategic water reserve? And maybe we send loads into space with each shuttle launch? How about we build another pipeline into space alongside my pollution one and pump excess water right outa here? I mean, we could locate one at each pole, but wouldn't it be great if they were the new Freedom Towers in Manhattan?

Otherwise, everyone of you believers in the religion of global warming had ought to be taking a cue from Crow & Co. right now. Er… maybe that's not the best example… how about following Al Gore's lead then? OK, again, maybe not. But it's not good enough on this issue to say that you'll start doing your part when everyone else does theirs.

This just in…

New earth-like planet found! Liberals are delighted. "Imagine" will be its constitution. And remember my question sometime back about what happens when Jesus returns and nobody's home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't believe that there's anything in the Bible that requires us to leave a forwarding address?

Global Warming is like Old Man River… despite climate models not working, it just keeps rolling. Despite Gore's discredited propaganda film, it just keeps rolling. Despite people like Cheryl Crow's naive and inane babbling, it just keeps rolling.  It just keeps rolling along.

Meanwhile, what a coincidence – Spinal Tap, a fake band that many believe is a real band is reuniting to help save the planet from a fake problem that many believe is a real problem – global warming. So I'm starting a new pool: how long will it be before the group reunites for an Stop Godzilla Before He Multiplies concert?

On a serious note, Glenn Beck takes on the Gorebalarmists tomorrow, Wednesday, May 2.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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3 Responses to Hot And Under A Collar

  1. So very good and witty. Two of my favorite words, (the 3rd is a secret). If its the polar bears everyone is worried about, don't fret, the worse that will happen to them is their fur will turn brown. If that bothers you, don't forget, we have tons of Clairol and other hair bleach products to handle that little problem. For every problem, there is a solution. I guess Big Al never quite caught on to that idea. He's just a hawker, but I truly wish he would stop being so shrill and angry about Global Warming, it makes him and the rest of you look pretty dumb.

  2. Okay, there's that merlot-out-the-nose problem again. (Note to self: I should not read your blog while enjoying a glass of wine.) Hysterically funny post!
    I too am a non-believer in global warming. First of all, I'm not convinced the observed warming is enough to make a difference; second, I'm not convinced any warming will be a bad thing; third, I'm definitely not convinced that human activity caused it, if it did occur. Where I live right now, there used to be an ice age. Glaciers about a mile thick. SOMETHING caused those glaciers to melt, and it was before humans discovered fire, so it can't have been us…
    We just don't know enough about it. Certainly we don't know enough to justify the economic sacrifices currently prescribed. (And even if WE did, in the U.S., you can be pretty sure China and India won't!!)

  3. TedWest says:

    We've just had the coldest Winter and Spring in Phoenix in thirty years, but today I see LA and a few other places are having a heatwave and It's like Hysterics on Wisteria Lane!
    And each time the alarmists are taken to task, their answer is to increase the breadth and height of the hysteria. There will be plenty of time to think and research and investigate, but let's take care of the problem first.
    Now they want to decrease the population by 80%. Are any of them volunteering? Besides, I wanna go them one better and decrease the population by 100%, but that's because we've made such a mess of the place that maybe a planet of the apes is preferable?
    Oh, and should clarify… my "mess," I don't mean environmental and other concerns liberals want to foist on us, I mean sheer idiocy. I mean, what does it say when George Bush is the best leader on Earth?

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