Breaking News

SHE BROKE!

You know, I write a lot of things, most of which I don't post either because I ultimately judge them to be too harsh, too preposterous, or too trivial even for me, so you can imagine what gets discarded.. Here are two examples:

Yesterday I wrote and then deleted a bit asking if anyone else had considered the implications of Iran saying they'd release the female version of a British sailor.

Aside from the obvious, here's the problem as I see it: women may not be wholly unsuitable for combat positions, but if we're going to use them, don't mix 'em up. I mean when you send out teams, send either all men or all women. That way, Iran wouldn't be able to play favorites with the hostages.

By the way, Iran didn't release the sailoress as promised. Could it be she was more useful to them where she's at?

"I'm writing to you as a British serviceperson who has been sent to Iraq, sacrificed due to the intervening policies of the Bush and Blair government," her letter home said.

In another piece, I returned to one of my favorite subjects: Gorebal Warming. It seems that one of the biggest polluters of the environment is the travel industry.

"Tourism is unfortunately one of the vectors of (climate) change at the moment and contributes, through its excesses, to the process of global warming," World Tourism Organisation (WTO) director general Francesco Frangialli told an international conference on meteorology in Madrid this week.

I hate it when that happens.

And that article went on…

"As tourists pollute their way around the world, popular destinations such as the pristine but low-lying Maldive islands in the Indian Ocean may disappear as sea levels rise. Tanzania's famous lakes, a staple of the African tourism industry, will dry up. In Europe's alps the ski season will become shorter, the pistes fewer and harder to find."

I don't know what a "pistes" is, so I'm not going to worry about not finding it or one or them or whatever. And who knows what those dry lake beds will have to offer tourists? Atlantis, maybe?

But now here's the point of all this. I think I gotta start posting those things I'd originally thought were too far out there because they're coming true, and I am not getting the credit for having been way ahead of my time that I so richly deserve.

Like my call for a domed, air-conditioned Earth to solve Gorebal Warming. I know you all thought that was wacky and were simply too kind to clue me in. Or else you felt I was to be pitied rather than mocked, but now, no less an authority than John Travolta has backed me up. Well sort of. He actually leapfrogged me, but he didn't stop to think of the religious implications in his suggestion. I'll explain in a moment.

Travolta has urged people to "do their bit" to help improve the environment, and apparently, John intends to use his five jets to fly around and check your progress.

But now here's the really important part – Travolta says that the answer to all of this lies in outer space. "It is a very valid issue… I'm wondering if we need to think about other planets and dome cities."

That's right, the truth really IS out there. But if the solution to our environmental problems is extraterrestrial, why should I care what we do here and now?

Which is almost precisely my original point – that we should adapt to environmental changes and that science and capitalism will solve long-term needs.

And the "dome cities" part is just gravy for me, assuming gravy has no role in warming, that is.

Again with the Travolta: "But I don't know if it's not too late already. We have to think about alternative methods of fuel."

I think that's the same line Chandler told Janice as the reason he had to go to Yemen.

And about all those jets, Mr. T. says, "I use them as a business tool though, as others do. I think it's part of this industry – otherwise I couldn't be here doing this and I wouldn't be here now."

And where would we all be if he wasn't?

And about Travolta's "other worlds" proposal, John, you're the one that I want to tell God about why, when Jesus returned here, there was nobody home.

Which reminds me. This is off the subject, but when the subject is as off itself as global warming is, does it matter where I go (unlike Travolta apparently)?

So the other day, Glenn Beck had on some actress (and I use the term loosely) who was promoting her movie about something having to do with 9/11, I think. So there was Beck trying to get at her deep intellectual thoughts on the subject – and there she was only too pleased to accommodate him. All as my aneurysm blew up like a balloon.

Someone acts in a movie and she becomes an authority? Why not, after all, Glenn acts like a commentator…

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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7 Responses to Breaking News

  1. Nick says:

    Domed earth + the rapture = intercranial haemoraging on a biblical scale. Jesus, think these things through!

  2. TedWest says:

    Hey, I can't be responsible for something I wrote a year ago, people and things change… my aneurysm grows… people starve for biofuel, that's just how it is. Now the UN wants us to focus (again) on malaria in Africa. Shouldn't we have done that before we banned DDT?
    But you did cause me to reread the above, and whenever I do something like that, it's never pleasant – it always seems like somebody hacked my blog because if I had to do it over, there would be, for better or worse, no resemblance>
    All this is making perfect sense, I presume.
    Now to two points too.
    1) You spelling of :hemorrhaging" threw me almost as much as your use of "intercranial" did. Those extra vowel you guys seem to use almost indiscriminately, are they intended to confuse or force one to focus? because I understood the word, but once I'd come upon it, I couldn't see anything else from that point on – until I began to document my thoughts here.
    And might you have meant "intracranial?" Because of not, I'd pay to see your version.
    Then there's my other point:
    B) I couldn't believe I let Mr. Travolta off with using "methods of fuel." Did he mean "methods of propulsion?" Or "types of fuel?" Now we may never know, and people may be starving and hoarding for nothing. But at least Gore will always have his awards, which is nice.

  3. Al Gore makes a mockery of the Nobel Commette. What a damn farce!

  4. Nick says:

    Yup, intracranial. Sometimes when I'm busy thinking about the glorious coming rapture, I just get kind of… stupid.
    Don't know if that happens to anyone else.

  5. TedWest says:

    Nick,
    Zak can testify that I can be as stupid as anyone, and in fact, much of what I write never sees the light of blog for the very reason that I regard it as too stupid, so considering what you've actually read from me, picture, if you're able, how bad it can get.
    Also, please consider my intracranial note a compliment since it means that I was reading what you wrote with considerable interest. 2
    Also consider that we may now actually be intercranial!?

  6. Nick says:

    Also consider that we may now actually be intercranial!?
    Indeed!

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