Warming Her Toes And My Cockles!

You probably heard that several conferences on climate change were called off already this year because, for brief, shining moments, global warming had been trumped by local freezing.

Those offsets must really  be working.

Of course, the cold didn't deter the wackos. Scientists who don't support the warming theory have been treated coldly, and some have even reported receiving threats that their research might be terminated – by death.

The trouble is, climate models don't mirror reality, so environmentalists decided to do what their liberal counterparts in other fields do when that happens – create a new reality.

Jimmy Durante was famous for saying, "everybody wants ta get inta da act," and over the weekend Sports Illustrated… er… weighed in.

"The next time a ball game gets rained out during the September stretch run… you can wonder why it got rained out… Global warming is not coming; it is here."

Yep, and it got here about the same time the loons returned to Capistrano.

It's so bad it's: "…changing the way we play and the sports we watch… Even the baseball bat as we know it is in peril, and final scores and outcomes of plays may be altered too."

Outcomes of plays? Because the second baseman has to stop and wipe his brow? Before or after the pivot?

OK, first of all, WE don't play the sports WE watch. WE watch THEM. Second of all, hasn't SI ever heard of domed stadiums.? Forgeddabout my suggestion for a domed world.

But I mean, isn't that what it's coming to? And if we try to build the Globodome, watch some fool say he likes freezing weather or desert heat. And some real idiots don't even subscribe to the axiom: "It's not the heat, it's the humidity."

Anyway, the Sports illustrated Climate Office, or SICO as it is called, warns us that:

"Because of the melting of glaciers and polar ice, and because water expands as it warms, oceans are rising… up to a meter by 2100, enough to drown wetlands."

Not to put too fine a point on it, but won't it then create new wetlands somewhere else? And won't the stuff in existing wetlands be able to swim there?

And what's a meter?

Nothing, what's a meter with you?

But wait! "… scientists have noticed that once indestructible ice sheets on Greenland and Antarctica have begun to creep toward the sea."

So what, doesn't everyone want beachfront property? Why should glaciers be any different? Besides, you know you can lead a glacier to water, but you can't make it sink.

Meanwhile, back at SI: "If we continue to spew greenhouse gases as we are, the Earth could become five degrees warmer this century."

And you don't think people in International Falls would appreciate that?

Which brings us to another hot story.

MINNEAPOLIS – A North Pole expedition meant to bring attention to global warming was called off after Liv Arnesen, 53, suffered frostbite in three of her toes.

And she wasn't even part of the expedition!
No, seriously folks, she was, and someone who knew her when all her toes were normal had this observation:

"Ann said losing toes and going forward at all costs was never part of the journey," said Ann Atwood, who helped organize the expedition.

So it wasn't a burning issue, and her commitment was lukewarm.

The AP reporter continued: "Then there was the cold – quite a bit colder, Atwood said, then… Arnesen had expected."

That's right, (s)he(it) wrote "then." Which prompts me to ask you to guess:

Liberal or not liberal?

AP says the temperature IN THEIR TENT  was 58 degrees BELOW ZERO, which begs the question: You don't think the arctic could stand to be five degrees warmer?

They tried to apply hot water bottles to Arnesen's toes, but they apparently became ice packs in the time it took to go from pot to foot.

Atwood noted the irony that a trip to call attention to global warming was disrupted by extreme cold:

"They were experiencing temperatures that weren't expected with global warming," Atwood said. "But one of the things we see with global warming is unpredictability."

Yeah, well, we also see that in women Arnesen's age going through menopause, and a relieved Arnesen said," If it weren't for global warming, I'd a froze all twelve toes."

No she didn't.

But she should.

Sports Illustrated says that the last time Earth was that warm, three million years ago, sea level stood 80 feet higher than it does now.

Which proves sportswriters have a better command of English than AP reporters.

And Denverites (or Denverians, whatever),  for you, global warming could soon be a day at the beach!?!

But uh… if it was that hot that long ago when we didn't even have carbon offsets, what cooled things back down, the Industrial Revolution?

Sportsi storyteller and part-time climate expert, Alexander Wolff, doesn't conclude (he drones on for four pages) with, "Tropical storms become more powerful… which transformed the symbol of sports in New Orleans, the Superdome, into an image of epic disaster."

And they'll rebuild it as the SuperDuperDome, and everyone will marvel at the new wonder of the world – at least until another hurricane hits New Orleans and forces a revision in the hurricane scale – to eleven.

Bay Wolff then adds: "In addition to more intense storms, higher seas, and droughts and floods, ocean flow patterns could change, leading to the extinction of marine species. Warmer temperatures could devastate agricultural economies around the globe, and diseases such as malaria now confined to the tropics would spread to other regions."

All I can say is, look up "pessimist." Guess whose picture you'll see?

Bill McKibben, Vermont-based writer, activist and passionate cross-country skier says, "It's crunch time."

He doesn't mean that they way they do in, say, football, he means numbers, although David Brenner used to characterize LA's air as crunchy, I believe.

And lastly Wolfie offers this bit of brilliance: "Unlike many other pressing environmental concerns — global warming is by definition global. "

Tell that to the folks in International Falls.

But then you mean we could solve all this just by removing the "global?"

And why don't they just make global warming a hate crime already?

By the way, Wikipedia describes Alexander Wolff as: "a writer for Sports Illustrated and owner of the American Basketball Association's Vermont Frost Heaves."

Frost Heaves? Could he be more biased? I mean, you think he wants to own the "Vermont Dry Heaves"?

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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3 Responses to Warming Her Toes And My Cockles!

  1. Reads like the conservative side of Lewis Black.

  2. Schomer says:

    And why don't they just make global warming a hate crime already?Hilarious!Great post!

  3. Tesson says:

    Cuz we all know, there's nothing better than hot cockles.

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