Offsets Carbonara

Get'cher offsets here… Caaaaar…bon Offsets!
Is there anyone left (pun pardon requested) who doesn't think that carbon offsets are a sham, a scam, and a flimflam? If so, a new British documentary, which the ingredients say contains real scientists*, claims that global warming is a "swindle."
Yep, and just when Walarmists said the debate is over (disclosure: for me, it was over before it started if you know what I mean). But when screeching idiots have the floor, you either wait until they run out of breath – or just kill 'em, and hardly anybody has the stomach for the latter anymore.
And those idiots are, in no particular order:
1) Anyone who thinks warming is a burning problem
B) Al Gore. He's in a classless by himself - the face of Global Warming. Never mind that it's on the body of a manatee. In fact, the only thing that's small about Gore is his character, and we hadn't realized how small until two disclosures last week revealed him to be the Jim Jones of the religion in heat.
The first was that Gore uses more energy than, well, anyone – twenty times the average Joe in fossil fuels alone. It's what they call a large "carbon footprint." That's right, Gore's an energy Bigfoot. And he uses a lot more selling his scam to the world and running a business that profits from it, and that's the other big news. Al buys these things called "carbon offsets" that, in essence, are shares in companies that get rid of his excess CO2 by piping it into space.
No, that's not true, but just picture it for a moment…
OK, moving on, here's how it works: CO2 is what scientists call a "bad gas" (methane's an "even worse gas," which you probably already knew). Not-quite-scientists say that too much CO2 causes the Earth's temperature to rise, which melts the arctic ice, which rhymes with sea level rise (almost), and that spells "trouble" right here in River City – with a capital BS. 
They say Al's offsets allow him to lead a carbon neutral life. If so, in Gore's case, the wrong carbon has been neutralized, I think. And by the way, who are "they," and why am I never one of them?
Gore doesn't actually reduce his emissions, and that's even if offsets work (which we won't know until Consumer Reports finishes testing). Still, Gore's better than you because you actually put CO2 into the atmosphere which makes you, in scientific terms, "normal."
But you don't have to be any longer. Al runs a company that sells offsets. In fact, they're so good that he's not just the President, he's also a customer. That's right, Mr. Gore gets his offsets from his own company.
Picture it… Al emits a bunch (official unit of measurement) of CO2, then he buys allowances from his company that makes CO2 disappear – on paper. Thus the company makes money… and Al makes money, so he's not only carbon neutral, he's also out-of-pocket neutral**.
I tried to find out how his company does what it does. No one from Gore's office returned my calls, but they did issue a statement which read in part:
"Ours is a secret, patented and very complicated process, but you can gain a rudimentary understanding of it by planting a tree."
OK, they didn't say that, but to show you how idiotic this has become, I swear this is true: one Constance Casey writing is Slate is advising Clevelanders to: "insulate the green things you have from the shock of drought to come (and) choose new plants that can tolerate drought…" and next week, she's going to call for Spring to be moved up to February 30th.
Meanwhile, here's what I don't get: if excess CO2 causes warming, which causes ice melt, which causes seas to rise, why don't we just freeze excess CO2 and use that to replace whatever drops off Greenland? You can't tell it from real ice, especially from here, and the smoke would add a nice touch to the arctic environment. Since dry ice is THREE TIMES colder than regular ice, it'll also keep the real stuff colder, longer. And the best part is, when It does melt it's… um… DRY! So it's sea level neutral! Environment saved! And dare I say, "Debate over?!?"
*They're the ones with credentials, whose only motivation is the truth.
** Does not include employee discounts.

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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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5 Responses to Offsets Carbonara

  1. OMG! This is so brilliant and funny, (as I pick myself off the floor after rolling around in total laughter). I am proud to say you beat Gore at his own game, and didn't need Florida to do it. Good for you. I've read that Gore is going to jump into the Presidential race. I hope he does, so, we can give him the thrashing of his life that he so deserves.

  2. John says:

    Freezing CO2 would only work if the area is below -78.5 C (-103.9 F); above that, the CO2 would sublimate and return to the atmosphere. But at least you are thinking…John

  3. TedWest says:

    I didn't say it was a one-time deal, nor did I say it would be easy. I just think it's simpler than anything else and and won't require as many accountants as the carbon offsets program, so I'm sure you agree that's a big plus right there?!?

  4. John says:

    Well, getting rid of the accountants is a good idea [1]. And that gives me an idea right there – there are about 453,000 accountants in the US alone. If each one weighs 100 kg and is made up of 18% carbon by mass, then throwing them all into the Sun would rid us of ~30,000 tons of CO2. If we include lawyers as well, then the total reduction nears 96,000 tons of CO2.It ain't Kyoto levels, but it's a start…John[1] Shakespeare had it wrong – first thing let's do, let's get rid of all the accountants!

  5. TedWest says:

    It seems as if you and I have more in common than just our names,
    And anyone who enhances Shakespeare can't be all bad.
    I only had a moment to look at your blog, but what I could see, i.e., the white type, left me determined to read more when my eyes adjust.
    I also must admit to being concerned that you'd taken me too seriously here and I came prepared to suggest that if the dry ice was truly unworkable, perhaps my space pipeline might be more attractive, especially at night when it's all lit up..

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