Get'cher offsets here… Caaaaar…bon Offsets!
Is there anyone left (pun pardon requested) who doesn't think that carbon offsets are a sham, a scam, and a flimflam? If so, a new British documentary, which the ingredients say contains real scientists*, claims that global warming is a "swindle."
Yep, and just when Walarmists said the debate is over (disclosure: for me, it was over before it started if you know what I mean). But when screeching idiots have the floor, you either wait until they run out of breath – or just kill 'em, and hardly anybody has the stomach for the latter anymore.
And those idiots are, in no particular order:
1) Anyone who thinks warming is a burning problem
B) Al Gore. He's in a classless by himself - the face of Global Warming. Never mind that it's on the body of a manatee. In fact, the only thing that's small about Gore is his character, and we hadn't realized how small until two disclosures last week revealed him to be the Jim Jones of the religion in heat.
The first was that Gore uses more energy than, well, anyone – twenty times the average Joe in fossil fuels alone. It's what they call a large "carbon footprint." That's right, Gore's an energy Bigfoot. And he uses a lot more selling his scam to the world and running a business that profits from it, and that's the other big news. Al buys these things called "carbon offsets" that, in essence, are shares in companies that get rid of his excess CO2 by piping it into space.
No, that's not true, but just picture it for a moment…
OK, moving on, here's how it works: CO2 is what scientists call a "bad gas" (methane's an "even worse gas," which you probably already knew). Not-quite-scientists say that too much CO2 causes the Earth's temperature to rise, which melts the arctic ice, which rhymes with sea level rise (almost), and that spells "trouble" right here in River City – with a capital BS.
They say Al's offsets allow him to lead a carbon neutral life. If so, in Gore's case, the wrong carbon has been neutralized, I think. And by the way, who are "they," and why am I never one of them?
Gore doesn't actually reduce his emissions, and that's even if offsets work (which we won't know until Consumer Reports finishes testing). Still, Gore's better than you because you actually put CO2 into the atmosphere which makes you, in scientific terms, "normal."
But you don't have to be any longer. Al runs a company that sells offsets. In fact, they're so good that he's not just the President, he's also a customer. That's right, Mr. Gore gets his offsets from his own company.
Picture it… Al emits a bunch (official unit of measurement) of CO2, then he buys allowances from his company that makes CO2 disappear – on paper. Thus the company makes money… and Al makes money, so he's not only carbon neutral, he's also out-of-pocket neutral**.
I tried to find out how his company does what it does. No one from Gore's office returned my calls, but they did issue a statement which read in part:
"Ours is a secret, patented and very complicated process, but you can gain a rudimentary understanding of it by planting a tree."
OK, they didn't say that, but to show you how idiotic this has become, I swear this is true: one Constance Casey writing is Slate is advising Clevelanders to: "insulate the green things you have from the shock of drought to come (and) choose new plants that can tolerate drought…" and next week, she's going to call for Spring to be moved up to February 30th.
Meanwhile, here's what I don't get: if excess CO2 causes warming, which causes ice melt, which causes seas to rise, why don't we just freeze excess CO2 and use that to replace whatever drops off Greenland? You can't tell it from real ice, especially from here, and the smoke would add a nice touch to the arctic environment. Since dry ice is THREE TIMES colder than regular ice, it'll also keep the real stuff colder, longer. And the best part is, when It does melt it's… um… DRY! So it's sea level neutral! Environment saved! And dare I say, "Debate over?!?"
*They're the ones with credentials, whose only motivation is the truth.
** Does not include employee discounts.