Where Bush Has Failed And How He SO Could Have Prevailed – Seriously, Folks

Before the Iraq War began, we were promised "shock and awe." What we got was "shock and aw," as in "Aw, that's too bad… SO close. I mean, had we known, lots of people would have gladly bought the President a vowel.

Still, I read the story in USAtodaytheotherday, and my ears couldn't believe that my mouth was saying what my eyes were reading – three quarters of polled Republicans still support Jorge Whatsaborder Arbusto?

Could it be true? If so, what are they thinking? Or is it too much to assume that thinking plays any part in it?

Somebody get me a real pole! Why would they support someone who doesn't support them?

Which reminds me, some people prefer "Whatsaveto."

Either or both is acceptable.

Now I'd defend the President against vicious lies and false accusations as readily as anyone, I just don't know why people would resort to those tactics anymore when there's so much Mr. Bush has mishandled and conveniently overlooked that it makes those manufactured charges seem almost quaint.

But it all could have been so different (he wrote wistfully) if El Presidente had said something along the lines of the following at any time before this column was written…

To Rummy circa 2005 – "Get out or I'll tell everyone how you got that nickname."

To Brownie – "Everyone knows how you got your nickname, now DO something."

On McCain-Feingold – "Say WHAT?"

On earmarks – "Stop it or I'll come down there and give you some real earmarks."

On the Border – "Mr. Gringo, build up that wall!"

To General Casey – "Bring me the head of Alfredo-Sadr."

To Iran – "We begin bombing in five minutes."

To the "Palestinians" – "I urge Israel to reduce your numbers to twenty or so, then give you an abandoned gas station and a gaming license."

To Syria – "Iran will be your undoing. If you want a real ally, damn, ask us!"

To Hezbollah – "Gimme an 'H'… gimme a 'Z'… gimme and 'L'… gimme another 'H'… whadya got, hint hint?!?"

To John Kerry – "I bet you say, 'Reporting for duty' to your commode every morning?!?"

To liberals – "America, leave it, then you'll love it."

On Ramos and Compean – "I pardon them, and I hope you'll pardon my Justice Department and its former prosecutor."

On Scooter Libby – "I'm 'outing' him right now, if you get my drift."

To ethnic groups – "Everyone who's a member of a minority is hereby part of the majority – Americans."

On Social Security – "It has been run like a plantation, and you know what I'm talkin' about, so I've directed Emancipation Proclamation II -  The Private Accounts -  which frees Blacks and other below average lifespan slaves."

On Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo: " (censored)" It didn't involve words, anyway.

To members of the Church of Global Warming: "I believe yours is a religion of fleece, and I believe in the separation of Church and State."

On amnesty for illegals – "Shamnesty."

Oh? What's that you say, no amnesty has been passed? Yeah well, don't think Mr. Bush won't sign it when it does. And if you doubt me, remember, I'm the guy who stated flaty the Gore would get Oscared.

And no, I didn't mean that in a Coulter-Edwards sort of way…

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Well, I better be leaving now… "Thanks… for the mammaries…"


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About tedwest

A longtime veteran of comedy and political forums, I decided that I needed a more restful venue because... well... I finally hate everybody. Except my wife that is... and my ex-wife.. and... no, that's about it. I lead about as simple a life as one can, preferring activities that include anything that doesn't involve going out and seeing YOU! And I particularly enjoy what I call "Get the Bitch" movies on Lifetime. You know the ones where the intended victim finally does something so incredibly stupid that she forfeits her right to live, and from that moment on you're rooting for the stalker. Of course, it rarely works out the way you want, but when it does, the feeling you get is... well, there's nothing else like it, other than, maybe, eating chocolate chip cookies. Oh, and I'm proudly anti-wildlife, both foreign and domestic, and anti-environment - especially foreign environments. I think Howard Stern put it best when he said, "If fifty percent of the population died tomorrow, I can live with that." And I feel the same about the other fifty percent, so together, we've pretty much got it all covered.
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One Response to Where Bush Has Failed And How He SO Could Have Prevailed – Seriously, Folks

  1. Very funny…thanks for the laugh

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